A Common Problem
It seems to be one of the most popular questions on the Internet net at the moment – “How do I get my ex back?” or “How can I get back together with my ex?”
There are many issues here – first of all, why would people break up and then (apparently in great numbers!) decide they made a terrible mistake and want to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?
Why do people NOT find the courage to strike out, accepting that they broke up for a very good reason, and now is the time to find a new relationship?
All great questions, but not what we’re going to answer here.
How To Get Your Ex Back
Perhaps you’ve made a decision to get back together with your ex because you’ve realized that the boyfriend or girlfriend with whom you split up is really the person you now want to be with – perhaps even for the rest of your life.
What steps, in this situation, can you take to get back together with your ex? In other words how can you get back together with the boyfriend or girlfriend who you dumped or were dumped by?
Here goes: a step-by-step on how to get your ex back, aka a guide to relationship repair.
Getting Back Together
Take time to reflect on what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Make sure you really do want to get back with your partner because you believe that he or she is the right person for you, rather than because you are frightened of being alone, or trying to avoid shame and humiliation from others.
Work out what went wrong first time around, and think of ways in which you can avoid the same thing happening again. It stands to reason that if you go back into a relationship with exactly the same mindset that you had before, it isn’t going to work any better now than it did last time.
You need to find a way of showing your ex partner that you have reflected on why the relationship ended, and that you are prepared to do something about it.
You need to show him or her you are willing to change, and you have to show a thoughtful response to things that have happened in the past. That way your ex-partner should be more willing to reconsider the relationship – restarting the relationship, that is.
Getting back together with your ex requires emotional maturity on your part and also on your ex’s part. It requires good communication, and that in turn requires you to admit what you might have done wrong that contributed to the breakup.
Let’s face it: if you want to get an ex back, then you need to know how to do it. Read on.
Whatever you do, don’t put pressure on your ex partner, or pursue him or her with a high level of energy immediately after the breakup. Your ex-partner will require space and time away from you to re-establish their own emotional and intellectual stability.
Therefore if you start calling, texting, or even appearing in person, or indeed, trying to insert yourself into his or her life on Facebook too soon, you are likely to irritate them, and convey a feeling of desperation, neither of which are going to be helpful to your aim of re-establishing the relationship.
In fact, you could well persuade your ex girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that instead of getting back together with you, the thing they need to do most urgently is run in the opposite direction.
The best of all possible worlds is if your ex-partner comes to you.
Take time for yourself, and do things that you enjoy with people whom you like. You can reconnect with who you are if you do this, and you can avoid the pressure that comes from feeling beholden to another person.
You should have a strong sense of self that will sustain you whether you do get back together with your partner or not. And really, I suppose, in the end what this comes down to is the old advice you’ve heard so many times before: you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.
How To Get Your Ex Back
Take responsibility for what went wrong the first time around.
If you can, sit down with your ex and explain to them that you have understood where you went wrong, what you did wrong, and that you are eager to avoid doing the same thing in the future.
You might say for example, “I know I never paid you enough attention and I never listened to you and I didn’t take any notice of your needs.” Whatever it is, don’t just tell them what you’ve understood about yourself, tell them what you will do in the future to make things better.
If you can, focus on moving forward rather than going backwards.
It’s all very well saying that you want to get back together, but the point is you broke up for a reason, and you have to ask yourself a very deep and important question: did you break up because were fundamentally incompatible or because you and your ex didn’t have good enough relationship skills?
You see, you don’t want to spend your life giving up your needs and personality to satisfy the needs of somebody with whom you are basically incompatible.
Trying to establish exactly what did go wrong can be difficult. You might ask yourself questions: “I felt like you got annoyed with me whenever I wanted to spend time alone, and I think it might have been because you’re too dependent on me. What can we do about that?”
(In case you didn’t realize, I should add that’s not entirely serious suggestion about how to get your ex back, but it does give you an idea of the kind of thing that you might try.)
You need to know exactly what you are trying to do.
So if both of you have decided to restart a relationship, have you got a clear plan about how you’re going to make it work this time around?
Have you found out what each of you wants from the relationship that you weren’t getting before?
Can you tell each other what you need from each other without being accusatory, blaming, or being triggered into a state of anger, fear or sadness?
Talk, and talk again, and then talk some more.
Whether you know it or not, women like to talk things through, while men like to think things through.
Men like to come up with solutions to problems and they don’t like lengthy emotional discussions.
But the whole point about being in a relationship with another person is that you are going to be able to meet their needs in some way, and they are going to be able to meet yours.
To sum it up: when you want to get your ex back, you will need good emotional communication, the ability to compromise, a willingness to accept difference in the other, and an ability to extend yourself into a place of behavior, thoughts, and feelings that may not be a natural one for you to inhabit.