What To Do Now:
A Common Problem After A Break Up

It seems to be one of the most popular questions on the Internet net at the moment – “How do I get my ex back?” or “How can I get back together with my ex?”

There are many issues here – first of all, why would people break up and then (apparently in great numbers!) decide they made a terrible mistake and want to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?

Why do people NOT find the courage to strike out, accepting that they broke up for a very good reason, and now is the time to find a new relationship?

All great questions, but not what we’re going to answer here.

How To Get Your Ex Back

Perhaps you’ve made a decision to get back together with your ex because you’ve realized that the boyfriend or girlfriend with whom you split up is really the person you now want to be with – perhaps even for the rest of your life.

What steps, in this situation, can you take to get back together with your ex? In other words how can you get back together with the boyfriend or girlfriend who you dumped or were dumped by?

Here goes: a step-by-step on how to get your ex back, aka a guide to relationship repair.

Getting Back Together

Step one

Take time to reflect on what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Make sure you really do want to get back with your partner because you believe that he or she is the right person for you, rather than because you are frightened of being alone, or trying to avoid shame and humiliation from others.

Work out what went wrong first time around, and think of ways in which you can avoid the same thing happening again. It stands to reason that if you go back into a relationship with exactly the same mindset that you had before, it isn’t going to work any better now than it did last time.

Step two

You need to find a way of showing your ex partner that you have reflected on why the relationship ended, and that you are prepared to do something about it.

You need to show him or her you are willing to change, and you have to show a thoughtful response to things that have happened in the past. That way your ex-partner should be more willing to reconsider the relationship – restarting the relationship, that is.

Getting back together with your ex requires emotional maturity on your part and also on your ex’s part. It requires good communication, and that in turn requires you to admit what you might have done wrong that contributed to the breakup.

Let’s face it: if you want to get an ex back, then you need to know how to do it. Read on.

Step three

Whatever you do, don’t put pressure on your ex partner, or pursue him or her with a high level of energy immediately after the breakup. Your ex-partner will require space and time away from you to re-establish their own emotional and intellectual stability.

Therefore if you start calling, texting, or even appearing in person, or indeed, trying to insert yourself into his or her life on Facebook too soon, you are likely to irritate them, and convey a feeling of desperation, neither of which are going to be helpful to your aim of re-establishing the relationship.

In fact, you could well persuade your ex girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that instead of getting back together with you, the thing they need to do most urgently is run in the opposite direction.

The best of all possible worlds is if your ex-partner comes to you.

Advice for women on getting a man back.

Advice for men on getting a woman back.

Step four

Take time for yourself, and do things that you enjoy with people whom you like. You can reconnect with who you are if you do this, and you can avoid the pressure that comes from feeling beholden to another person.

You should have a strong sense of self that will sustain you whether you do get back together with your partner or not. And really, I suppose, in the end what this comes down to is the old advice you’ve heard so many times before: you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

Ways You Can Try To Get An Ex Back

Step 1

Take responsibility for what went wrong the first time around.

If you can, sit down with your ex and explain to them that you have understood where you went wrong, what you did wrong, and that you are eager to avoid doing the same thing in the future.

You might say for example, “I know I never paid you enough attention and I never listened to you and I didn’t take any notice of your needs.” Whatever it is, don’t just tell them what you’ve understood about yourself, tell them what you will do in the future to make things better.

Step 2

If you can, focus on moving forward rather than going backwards.

It’s all very well saying that you want to get back together, but the point is you broke up for a reason, and you have to ask yourself a very deep and important question: did you break up because were fundamentally incompatible or because you and your ex didn’t have good enough relationship skills?

You see, you don’t want to spend your life giving up your needs and personality to satisfy the needs of somebody with whom you are basically incompatible.

Trying to establish exactly what did go wrong can be difficult. You might ask yourself questions: “I felt like you got annoyed with me whenever I wanted to spend time alone, and I think it might have been because you’re too dependent on me. What can we do about that?”

(In case you didn’t realize, I should add that’s not entirely serious suggestion about how to get your ex back, but it does give you an idea of the kind of thing that you might try.)

Step 3

You need to know exactly what you are trying to do.

So if both of you have decided to restart a relationship, have you got a clear plan about how you’re going to make it work this time around?

Have you found out what each of you wants from the relationship that you weren’t getting before?

Can you tell each other what you need from each other without being accusatory, blaming, or being triggered into a state of anger, fear or sadness?

Step 4

Talk, and talk again, and then talk some more.

Whether you know it or not, women like to talk things through, while men like to think things through.

Men like to come up with solutions to problems and they don’t like lengthy emotional discussions.

But the whole point about being in a relationship with another person is that you are going to be able to meet their needs in some way, and they are going to be able to meet yours.

To sum it up: when you want to get your ex back, you will need good emotional communication, the ability to compromise, a willingness to accept difference in the other, and an ability to extend yourself into a place of behavior, thoughts, and feelings that may not be a natural one for you to inhabit.

What To Do If You’ve Broken Up:
Should You Try and Make Up?

If you’re in the unfortunate situation of having broken up, read on to see our therapist’s advice on what you can do to get your ex back or decide to stay apart.

First of all, you have to remain rational.

How do you feel when you get a text or an email, or you see a Facebook message, or some other indication of your ex occupying space in your social environment? Do you feel a sinking sense of fear, or some excitement, perhaps?

Or do you simply feel anger? Perhaps you feel excitement and glee, because this seems like it could be the start of a new renewal of your relationship?

Whatever, the first thing you have to do in the face of all these emotions is to remain rational and calm. And you have to take things slowly. Perhaps it was plunging too quickly into the relationship in the first place which did the damage for you last time around!

But whether it was or it wasn’t, one of the things you really need to know is that all the unresolved problems in your relationship will come back at you again – unless both of you have done some serious emotional growth work in between breaking up and getting back together.

Relationship advice – should you break up or make up – is to be found here.

Video – Relationship Therapy

So here are some questions that really need to be answered “yes” before you get back together.

And they need to be answered in the affirmative by BOTH of you…. But then, you knew that didn’t you?

1 Plan ahead so that when things get difficult you have some way of dealing with them.

You see, the problem is that unless you make some effort to focus on the areas which act as emotional triggers, simply wanting to be back with your partner (maybe because you feel lonely) isn’t going to change anything.

In fact, if you feel disappointed that they’re no different this time around than they were the last time, getting back together can be even worse than it was the first time. You will have more disappointment to deal with….

If you’re getting over a breakup, to go back into the same territory can be challenging.

That’s why you really need to have some strategy to deal with, if not eliminate, the anger, the shock, and the sadness – not to mention the fear – you’ll feel if or when you realize your ex hasn’t fundamentally changed from who they were!

And to be honest, if you try to save your marriage, or save your relationship, you might well have to do some personal growth work – that could mean seeing a therapist together, or perhaps doing shadow work, but it certainly means exploring the issues which caused you to split up in the first place.

Ask yourself honestly – are you ready to do that? Are you ready to do whatever it takes to bring your ex back and to live happily ever after?

2 As you know, a lot of us wear masks which hide the real self we feel and believe ourselves to be, deep down inside.

Sometimes we think we’re socially unacceptable in some way or we feel we’re not good enough, or we aren’t lovable, or perhaps  even that we’re bad. Most people believe they aren’t as beautiful, intelligent, clever, self-confident, or whatever, as the next person. It’s the human condition…..

But wearing a “mask” into any relationship (where the essence of success is openness and honesty) is a recipe for disaster.

That’s not to say we should reveal every aspect of ourselves, but it’s certainly necessary to be open and honest with your partner to show them who you really are, and for them to show you who they really are. In other words, what this amounts to is no trickery, no lies, no deceit, and no games. Otherwise, what chance of success do you have?

Now, are you willing to be ruthlessly authentic and honest with your partner?

3 Are you committed to each other? Are you committed to each other enough to stick together so that you can win her back or win him back?

There has to be some kind of commitment that you’re going to stay together for a while (or permanently) while you work on the changes that are necessary for you to rebuild a harmonious and loving relationship.

You need some kind of contract or agreement which is actually a statement of your readiness to stay in the relationship and hold hands, both physically and metaphorically, when the inevitable issues between you arise, and particularly when you trigger each other into a vulnerable state.

4 Are you both prepared to take it slowly, and to really work at rebuilding the relationship?

It’s probably worth you doing this if you really love your partner or somewhere deep down you believe this person might be your soul mate. Then of course it’s worth rebuilding the relationship and finding out how to get the relationship advice that will bring you back together.

But there are traps here: if it was just sex that kept you together in the first place, you may find that the desire to jump into bed to reconnect is very strong, but really, is that going to deal with the issues which broke you apart in the first place?

Going on dates while you learn more about each other, hoping to see each other with eyes that are not blinded by “the scales of infatuation” is a very worthwhile exercise. After all, you might want to be friends before you become lovers, and you might want to be lovers before you try for the soulmate status!

A good question to ask yourself is how safe it feels to reveal yourself with your ex partner – if you find you’re hiding parts of yourself, or not completely trusting them, then your choice is simple – allow the breakup to go ahead and find a new partner, or get a commitment to work on the difficulties between you that cause you to feel this way.

5 Do you have the same goals for the relationship?

Video – goals in a relationship

The question here, really, is whether or not you both want the same thing in the long run. For example, does one of you want to get married and one of you has no intention of doing that EVER!

Or suppose he wants children, and you don’t. These are fundamental differences which really need to be examined. Not many people who are way apart on important issues like these can establish a successful long-term relationship without one of them either losing their hopes and aspirations or having their heart broken.

You need to be at least on the same page, have the same expectations, and generally speaking want to move in the same direction in life.

The problem is that most people spend more time planning their annual vacation than they spend planning their lives! So sit down and talk about what you want!

If you want to avoid a breakup in the future, and if you want to get your ex back so you don’t breakup again, first you must find out whether there’s enough common ground between the two of you for your relationship to work long-term.

6 Accept that human relationships are never perfect.

It’s extraordinary to me that some people really seem to think that just by getting back together with their ex,  they will mysteriously learn the lessons they needed to know in the first place to feel close and connected with their partner.

In fact the truth of the matter is that we all come from an emotionally wounded place in childhood – which means that during our childhood nothing was perfect and there were emotional wounds inflicted on us,  no matter how well-intentioned our parents may have been! And these wounds need to be dealt with for us to grow into emotional maturity and equip us to be in relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a lover, or a spouse.

From years of working with people in relationship, I know there are very few men and women who are truly prepared to do the emotional exploration and repair work necessary to overcome their wounds and in the process find out how they can get their ex back.

The good news is that this doesn’t have to be big scale work. It only needs to be something which explores mutual understanding and empathy, the kind of work from you which can move forward together. This could, for example, simply be something like going to see a relationship counselor together to discuss what it is that “triggers” you and causes the fights.

Unless you do this you might find you’re not going to get over your breakup and you’re not going to get back with your ex.

And that’s true even if you know you made a mistake in breaking up.

Everybody has a level of tolerance for fights, disagreements and arguments, and it’s better to do some emotional work so they are reduced in number and the impact of them is much less, rather than to let them fester in the relationship simply because you don’t know what to do about them.

7 Accept that relationship breakup may be the right thing for you.

Just because you feel a large amount of pain at the ending of your relationship and the loss of your loved one doesn’t necessarily mean you were wrong to breakup.

There’s a theory in psychology that we come together to heal the wounds, resentments and issues of the past (i.e. childhood) , and if we don’t heal them in one relationship we will move into another relationship, taking the same stuff with this. Often the person we meet will also give us the opportunity to heal these emotional wounds.

So you may as well do it in your current relationship as in the next one!

And doing so can give you a true sense of value and worth, and perhaps also a sense of mutual appreciation which will grow into true love.

But if that’s not going to happen, you may have to accept that sometimes a breakup is the only thing that’s going to allow you to move forward and truly show who you are to the world.

In fact, sometimes a breakup is not an opportunity to get your ex partner back, but a chance to have a NEW relationship which will really make you feel good – perhaps even the relationship your heart desires.

So the act of breaking up can allow some people to grow as individuals, perhaps discovering how to be assertive and confident, so they can move forward into a much better relationship.

And whatever you do, you should aim to find a way of making sure that love comes out victorious over fear.