Reflections on Masculinity 2

What is it that makes a man different from a woman?

Well, there’s the obvious, of course: penis and balls, greater body size, more muscles, and so on…but that isn’t really the answer. What really makes us different from women lies inside our minds and our brains.

Sure, you may say we are all humans, and therefore we should be emphasizing our similarity. Well, yes, let’s emphasize our humanity, but let’s also cherish and honor the differences that make us masculine and feminine.

If you believe that all significant differences in gender are socially conditioned, learned or constructed, and that conventional gender boundaries should be erased, this may be of interest to you.

Video – what does gender mean?

Yet surely, in romantic relationships, it’s the polarity of masculinity and femininity that leads to passion and excitement?

If you’re in a relationship with someone you see as a good friend, but with whom you have no polarity, there’s not likely to be much passion. But what exactly does polarity mean?

What defines masculinity and femininity?

In biological terms, the difference in human behavior, thoughts, feelings and attitudes between male and female comes from the effect of testosterone on the brain of the male baby at two crucial points in its development in the womb.

These two surges of testosterone make the male brain develop differently from the female brain. The differences are explained in detail in many books, such as Why Men Don’t Iron by Anne and Bill Moir, but you’ll probably recognize some of the differences here:

Boys are more aggressive, more active, have a shorter attention span and are more competitive than girls. They are much less socially oriented and bond by “doing” , rather than “being”.

They are much more spatially aware and less verbally aware. He is good with things – she is good with words. Her brain sees more, hears more, communicates better, and possesses more verbal resources.

Men solve problems, women talk about them. Men find risk taking and problem solving to be stimulating, even necessary to their self-esteem. Men’s brains can focus much more closely than women’s. Men work well in teams and, though competitive, tend to respect each other. Women don’t. And so on.

Men are visually stimulated. Women are much less so. Men are quick to arouse, quick to come and quick to move their attention onto something else.

Novelty and variety are sexual stimulants monogamy may be a great sacrifice for a man in terms of his freedom to “do what comes naturally”.

On an emotional level, a man does not want to be changed by his partner into something more like her. He does not want to be mollycoddled by her. He wants a partner in the true sense, a woman who makes him complete by allowing him to be himself and who respects his maleness. Yet, as I implied in the first post on this subject, many men do not know how to embody masculinity. But as I also implied, there are ways to embody masculinity. Successful sex which satisfies both partner is one good way (see the text below about the CAT for more about this.) Another way is for a man to get some therapy or coaching to overcome the wounds of childhood. Shadow work is particularly good for this, especially if a man has put his masculinity into shadow. (see here for a list of shadow coaches who can help wtih this kind of work.)

His job is to win her, to cherish her and to protect her, and to be strong in the face of her emotions while remaining true to himself.

In other words, to be there for her in a safe, respectful way. A way that gives her a strong point of reference to bash against as the tides of her feminine emotions sweep back and forth from day to day.

Do men and women think differently? (Hint: Yes)

It’s that centered quality which women look for in a man, by constantly testing him. A woman’s test of a man can take many forms, but the most obvious example of it is the kind of needling provocation, the can’t-let-go-of-this-behavior, the relentless pressing of an issue, that a woman will engage in.

Most men respond to this by placating or reassuring her, a skill they pick up at the hands of their mothers, who, more often than not, react to the wildness of their young son by repressing his male energy and enthusiasm, trying, in effect, to feminize him, to make him more like her.

Since a young boy needs his mother’s love he often learns to adapt to her requirements, a skill which in all too many men continue to display into their adult relationships with women.

It’s wrong that a man can only be a man in the company of other men. He needs to be true to himself all the time, for it is this true essence of his masculinity that his woman is really seeking when she tests him.

In other words, he needs to be able to tell her, respectfully, how he feels and what he wants and needs from her; even if that is for her to stop doing something.

In doing this, the more masculine his response, the more firm and centered he is, the better. That is what she is looking for.

But why does a woman test a man repeatedly? And what does she want? The answer to the second question is simple. She wants a man who will stand up to her without being blown off course. The answer to the first question is more complicated.

One of the reasons she tests her man is a deep-seated fear that he will leave her, that he won’t always be there for her.

Subconsciously she reasons that if he can be knocked off course by her, then he can be knocked off course by any other woman. And there is good reason for this fear, of course, because men are naturally promiscuous, at least to a degree: fidelity is a choice.

So the powerful question for most men comes down to this: how to you maintain your masculine strength in the face of a woman’s “test” of your emotional & masculine resilience?

To conclude – a word about sexual relationships

In pursuit of greater sexual pleasure (and so harmony between the sexes), the coital alignment technique (CAT) has great value.

This has revolutionized many people’s sex lives in recent times. It provides a way for the man to bring a woman to orgasm during intercourse. While it can be challenging to stimulate a woman’s clitoris during intercourse with your hand, the CAT overcomes this challenge. 

The idea of the coital alignment technique originated in the 1970s. It has proved to be an effective technique for increasing sexual pleasure for women. It’s a modified kind of “missionary” or “man on top position”, which requires the couple to make love in such a way that the man’s pubic area repeatedly and gently rhythmically stimulates the woman’s clitoral area.

This is not, I must emphasize, stimulation applied directly to the clitoris by the man’s penis or fingers. Nor is it the “base of the man’s penis” touching the woman’s clitoris. The reality of the matter is that it is the general area of the man’s body around the base of his penis which is designed to bump into the area of the woman’s clitoral structures. This is not the same as the glans of the clitoris nor indeed the legs of the clitoris. Nor is it the G spot inside her vagina.

Most women’s clitorises are located too far away from the vaginal opening to receive any stimulation as the man thrusts in and out in a horizontal plane. This is more or less the orientation of the erect penis during normal man on top sex.

However, in coital alignment technique, a couple will orient their bodies so that the man’s erection is angled rather sharply downwards. In fact it approaches an angle of as much as 90° to his body.

This is done by him entering the woman in the normal way. He then shifts his body upwards towards her head. In the process his erection bends backwards, or downwards. This brings the area of his pubic mound into connection with her clitoral area.

And that is the whole idea behind the coital alignment technique: to allow the man and the woman to move in such a way that the rhythmic rocking of their pelvises will bring those two parts of their bodies into contact in a way that will stimulate the woman to orgasm.

Video  – Coital Alignment Technique

This is actually a very effective way of bringing to orgasm a woman during intercourse. Only about 10% of women can reach vaginal orgasms by thrusting of the erect penis in the vagina. However, practiced correctly, 80% of women will orgasm with the CAT during sex.

Perhaps men ought to be increasing their ability to last longer during intercourse. But most men are not interested in lasting longer during sex. So what this means is that the coital alignment technique provides an effective and useful way in which a woman can potentially achieve orgasm during intercourse.

And the benefit of orgasm during intercourse is that it can bring a couple much closer together spiritually and emotionally during the act of physical union.

However, the instructions that are generally given for the coital alignment technique are complex!  recommend you go to a useful website which is devoted solely to the subject. This will explain to you the alignment of male and female bodies necessary before the CAT works.