There are many things that men and women share when they’re in a relationship: emotional support, companionship, friendship, raising children, working towards a joint vision…. but consider this: how many men would get into a relationship if there were no sex involved? How many more women would men fall in love with if they were more in touch with their sensitivity and sensuality?
What would be the attraction? To put it another way, why do men chase women, court them, try to impress them so much, and woo them in every conceivable way possible?
Sex.
Cynical? Maybe.
But it makes sense, biologically. A man is programmed by millennia of evolution to try and spread his seed: a woman is programmed to be more resistant to his advances, to make the man court her and prove his worth before she risks getting pregnant.
After all, she wants to know if he’ll be around to help protect and provide for her and the child after the birth. In purely evolutionary terms, he’s more likely to stay around if she (and any other woman) makes him work hard before he is allowed to have sex – he has less chance to impregnate other women, and more to lose if he abandons the new mother.
This view of the two sexes is based on socio-biology, where the object of all sexual behavior is to pass on the genes to the next generation, and the interests of the two sexes may actually be different. Males want to spread as much seed around as possible, and probably not hang around looking after the offspring females want a reliable male who can protect and provide for the offspring, thereby protecting their very considerable investment of time and energy in the offspring.
But we are not animals, after all, we are human, and love takes us from the realms of socio-biology into the realms of what makes us human.
Do animals feel love?
Well, who knows, but humans do, and being in love is one of the great rewards of a relationship – the excitement, the fluttering heart, the breathless idealization – a fantastic experience, and one to be savoured. But the real work starts when the love has become more realistic, and the beloved is seen for the fallible human he or she actually is. And with the dawning of reality comes a whole new set of problems: communication!
Men and women are very different creatures, as any man or woman who has come up against the entrenched behavior of the opposite sex will readily testify. Such differences are summed up in a whole industry of self-help books: ” Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” ” Why Men Don’t Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps” ” You Just Don’t Understand” ….and so on and on and on…..it’s all there, in minute detail, purporting to explain why men and women can’t communicate and find each other’s behavior and attitudes so frustrating.
Do such books help us? I guess they do, for they emphasize the fact that we do communicate differently, man and woman, and some understanding and tolerance is needed to ensure that two people in a relationship are meeting each others’ needs.
Why is there this difference, though? What is lovefor? Possibly to ensure we are polarised during our enjoyment of sex, so that we really can enjoy the rewards of intercourse to the maximum. It’s the complementary needs of men and women which make sex so wonderful.
Or maybe it isn’t for anything – it’s just the by-product of the fact that we develop differently. Males and females both have testosterone in their systems, but males have far more of it, and it does affect the way a baby boy’s brain develops. Indeed, the degree of masculinization of the male brain is directly related to the amount of testosterone in a baby boy’s system. This has a big impact on how he functions as an adult. Testosterone wires up the brain so that men can do different things to women.
So is there a way of resolving these differences between the genders? Perhaps there is – by each of us overcoming the prejudices and preconceptions which we have learned as we grew up. This woudl enable us to see the opposite sex in a new light, free of preconceptions, perhaps more humanly and more humanely too. After all, we are more similar than we are different. So how might this be achieved? By means of shadow work, perhaps: an actionistic kind of therapy (to be exact, one based on parts work). If you’re interested to learn more about shadow work, see this.
What is it that makes a man different from a woman?
Well, there’s the obvious, of course: penis and balls, greater body size, more muscles, and so on…but that isn’t really the answer. What really makes us different from women lies inside our minds and our brains.
Sure, you may say we are all humans, and therefore we should be emphasizing our similarity. Well, yes, let’s emphasize our humanity, but let’s also cherish and honor the differences that make us masculine and feminine.
If you believe that all significant differences in gender are socially conditioned, learned or constructed, and that conventional gender boundaries should be erased, this may be of interest to you.
Video – what does gender mean?
Yet surely, in romantic relationships, it’s the polarity of masculinity and femininity that leads to passion and excitement?
If you’re in a relationship with someone you see as a good friend, but with whom you have no polarity, there’s not likely to be much passion. But what exactly does polarity mean?
What defines masculinity and femininity?
In biological terms, the difference in human behavior, thoughts, feelings and attitudes between male and female comes from the effect of testosterone on the brain of the male baby at two crucial points in its development in the womb.
These two surges of testosterone make the male brain develop differently from the female brain. The differences are explained in detail in many books, such as Why Men Don’t Iron by Anne and Bill Moir, but you’ll probably recognize some of the differences here:
Boys are more aggressive, more active, have a shorter attention span and are more competitive than girls. They are much less socially oriented and bond by “doing” , rather than “being”.
They are much more spatially aware and less verbally aware. He is good with things – she is good with words. Her brain sees more, hears more, communicates better, and possesses more verbal resources.
Men solve problems, women talk about them. Men find risk taking and problem solving to be stimulating, even necessary to their self-esteem. Men’s brains can focus much more closely than women’s. Men work well in teams and, though competitive, tend to respect each other. Women don’t. And so on.
Men are visually stimulated. Women are much less so. Men are quick to arouse, quick to come and quick to move their attention onto something else.
Novelty and variety are sexual stimulants monogamy may be a great sacrifice for a man in terms of his freedom to “do what comes naturally”.
On an emotional level, a man does not want to be changed by his partner into something more like her. He does not want to be mollycoddled by her. He wants a partner in the true sense, a woman who makes him complete by allowing him to be himself and who respects his maleness. Yet, as I implied in the first post on this subject, many men do not know how to embody masculinity. But as I also implied, there are ways to embody masculinity. Successful sex which satisfies both partner is one good way (see the text below about the CAT for more about this.) Another way is for a man to get some therapy or coaching to overcome the wounds of childhood. Shadow work is particularly good for this, especially if a man has put his masculinity into shadow. (see here for a list of shadow coaches who can help wtih this kind of work.)
His job is to win her, to cherish her and to protect her, and to be strong in the face of her emotions while remaining true to himself.
In other words, to be there for her in a safe, respectful way. A way that gives her a strong point of reference to bash against as the tides of her feminine emotions sweep back and forth from day to day.
It’s that centered quality which women look for in a man, by constantly testing him. A woman’s test of a man can take many forms, but the most obvious example of it is the kind of needling provocation, the can’t-let-go-of-this-behavior, the relentless pressing of an issue, that a woman will engage in.
Most men respond to this by placating or reassuring her, a skill they pick up at the hands of their mothers, who, more often than not, react to the wildness of their young son by repressing his male energy and enthusiasm, trying, in effect, to feminize him, to make him more like her.
Since a young boy needs his mother’s love he often learns to adapt to her requirements, a skill which in all too many men continue to display into their adult relationships with women.
It’s wrong that a man can only be a man in the company of other men. He needs to be true to himself all the time, for it is this true essence of his masculinity that his woman is really seeking when she tests him.
In other words, he needs to be able to tell her, respectfully, how he feels and what he wants and needs from her; even if that is for her to stop doing something.
In doing this, the more masculine his response, the more firm and centered he is, the better. That is what she is looking for.
But why does a woman test a man repeatedly? And what does she want? The answer to the second question is simple. She wants a man who will stand up to her without being blown off course. The answer to the first question is more complicated.
One of the reasons she tests her man is a deep-seated fear that he will leave her, that he won’t always be there for her.
Subconsciously she reasons that if he can be knocked off course by her, then he can be knocked off course by any other woman. And there is good reason for this fear, of course, because men are naturally promiscuous, at least to a degree: fidelity is a choice.
So the powerful question for most men comes down to this: how to you maintain your masculine strength in the face of a woman’s “test” of your emotional & masculine resilience?
To conclude – a word about sexual relationships
In pursuit of greater sexual pleasure (and so harmony between the sexes), the coital alignment technique (CAT) has great value.
This has revolutionized many people’s sex lives in recent times. It provides a way for the man to bring a woman to orgasm during intercourse. While it can be challenging to stimulate a woman’s clitoris during intercourse with your hand, the CAT overcomes this challenge.
The idea of the coital alignment technique originated in the 1970s. It has proved to be an effective technique for increasing sexual pleasure for women. It’s a modified kind of “missionary” or “man on top position”, which requires the couple to make love in such a way that the man’s pubic area repeatedly and gently rhythmically stimulates the woman’s clitoral area.
This is not, I must emphasize, stimulation applied directly to the clitoris by the man’s penis or fingers. Nor is it the “base of the man’s penis” touching the woman’s clitoris. The reality of the matter is that it is the general area of the man’s body around the base of his penis which is designed to bump into the area of the woman’s clitoral structures. This is not the same as the glans of the clitoris nor indeed the legs of the clitoris. Nor is it the G spot inside her vagina.
Most women’s clitorises are located too far away from the vaginal opening to receive any stimulation as the man thrusts in and out in a horizontal plane. This is more or less the orientation of the erect penis during normal man on top sex.
However, in coital alignment technique, a couple will orient their bodies so that the man’s erection is angled rather sharply downwards. In fact it approaches an angle of as much as 90° to his body.
This is done by him entering the woman in the normal way. He then shifts his body upwards towards her head. In the process his erection bends backwards, or downwards. This brings the area of his pubic mound into connection with her clitoral area.
And that is the whole idea behind the coital alignment technique: to allow the man and the woman to move in such a way that the rhythmic rocking of their pelvises will bring those two parts of their bodies into contact in a way that will stimulate the woman to orgasm.
Video – Coital Alignment Technique
This is actually a very effective way of bringing to orgasm a woman during intercourse. Only about 10% of women can reach vaginal orgasms by thrusting of the erect penis in the vagina. However, practiced correctly, 80% of women will orgasm with the CAT during sex.
Perhaps men ought to be increasing their ability to last longer during intercourse. But most men are not interested in lasting longer during sex. So what this means is that the coital alignment technique provides an effective and useful way in which a woman can potentially achieve orgasm during intercourse.
And the benefit of orgasm during intercourse is that it can bring a couple much closer together spiritually and emotionally during the act of physical union.
However, the instructions that are generally given for the coital alignment technique are complex! recommend you go to a useful website which is devoted solely to the subject. This will explain to you the alignment of male and female bodies necessary before the CAT works.
A masculinity that is afraid to stand up and show itself in all its glory
A masculinity that is afraid of women, or seeks to placate them, or dominate them with physical and emotional manipulation. This cripples a man in his relationships, both sexual and emotional, with women.
A masculinity which turns against itself, and abuses itself with drugs, addiction, violence, self-harm
A feminized masculinity in which a man is ashamed of being a man.
I sum up true masculinity with words like strength, consistency, clarity, compassion, care, vulnerability, emotional literacy, gentleness, protectiveness, anger, joy, grief, fear, courage, excitement, adventure, risk-taking, providing for others, protecting others, and so on.
Some masculine stereotypes may be innate, though
Perhaps small boys, big boys, and men all want to have adventure, excitement, and take risks (even little ones). And maybe women are fearful of this.
It may be that men are more interested in going out to work and bringing home the hunted animal (or a pay packet) than making a nest.
It may be that men are genetically programmed to be providers and women are programmed to be more nurturing. Maybe men think differently to women, so that communication between the sexes will always be difficult. And maybe a woman wants stability and a man wants excitement – in many ways, including sex.
So dare we accept that men and women have evolved with different genetic programs to do different things? To feel different things? To be moved by different things?
Most importantly, can we learn to accommodate our true differences as best we can? Can we stop pretending that actually we’re all really the same regardless of our gender, and we could all get along nicely if only we men would be more like our womenfolk?
YES! But if we do this, then along come the responsibilities: in particular:
To learn what true masculinity means for ourselves and for our brothers (i.e. other men).
To care for our families instead of going off and fucking the next willing, attractive woman who comes along.
To raise adolescent boys so that they know what true maleness is, and so that life is not ruined for all of us by leaderless gangs and undisciplined males acting out aggressively in our society.
To behave towards women with self-respect and other-respect. To stand up for ourselves with women assertively and not aggressively or abusively.
To learn that the meeting of the true masculine and the true feminine is complementary.
To understand that the sexes can be true to their own gender while still respecting the other. Not to fear or hate or be violent towards each other.
Video – Masculinity
There is little doubt that the different brain wiring patterns of men and women are in large part responsible for the different behavioral patterns of men and women.
If you want to read a good popular book on this subject, which includes a test for you to complete so you can judge the degree of masculinization/feminization of your own brain, buy: Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, a book by by Alan and Barbara Pease.
According to Barbara and Allan Pease, science now confirms that the way our brains are wired and the hormones pulsing through our bodies are the two factors that largely dictate, long before we are born, how we will think and behave. Our instincts are simply our genes determining how our bodies will behave in given sets of circumstances.
That’s right: socialization, politics, or upbringing aside, men and women have profound brain differences and are intrinsically inclined to act in distinct – and consequently frustrating – ways.
To make things worse for men…
Many men are brought up in families without much male emotional support or physical presence. And so they may lose a masculine sense of adventure, of risk, of maleness itself. For boys brought up in single parent families, without any male role models, no matter how wonderfully caring their mothers may be, one thing is certain: there will be a time when they need an adult older male to show them what it means to be a man.
Meanwhile, the feckless man who leaves his children, the adolescent gangster, the wife-beater, the man who uses abusive porn, the deceiver who seduces woman and abandons them: they have all got one thing in common – they are shamed by society without compassion.
And yet, who ever taught them to be men? Whoever gave them the models they needed to respect, to look up to, and whoever taught them that a man needs a vision and, if not a vision, a role?
Yes, that’s right – no-one. And who cares? Well, many men. You just have to find them.
Many years ago, I went on a ManKind Project weekend, a men’s group. Here, I and another 40 or so men were given the chance, probably for most of us for the first time in our lives, to get up on our feet and talk openly. To talk, without judgment, about our lives as men. And the pain and pleasure that emerged were profoundly moving.
In this complete cross-section of society, from the humblest and most disadvantaged guys, who had been injecting drugs for years, surviving on their wits on the edges of society, to the wealthiest white middle-class guys and the educated black classes – the experiences were the same. Every man’s story was a part of every other man’s story. We are indeed all brothers under the skin.
Between one third and one half of the men there had paid for sex, either once or regularly. Perhaps when their wife was pregnant. Perhaps because their wife or partner was not interested in sex. Perhaps in addition to having sex with a partner or girlfriend.
Some men who had lost their virginity to prostitutes, sometimes because their father or an older uncle had taken it upon himself to initiate the lad in this way.
As one guy said: “The bastard told me: ‘I’ll make a man of you.’ Thanks a lot, Dad. Unfortunately you started 15 years too late.” And the product of this was shame and guilt.
Nearly all the men had used porn – some obsessively, some for years, from adolescence onwards.
Some had filmed themselves having sex with their girlfriends, either openly or secretly. Their women had often reluctantly gone along with this to please their man. All the men masturbated regularly – some many times each day. They all had many ways to pleasure themselves. About twenty per cent of the men in this group had had sex with men at least once. And many more had wondered if they were gay. Many spoke of having erections all the time, saying that they felt as if their penises ruled their lives.
But what fascinated me most was that the overriding desire, spoken again and again by men of all classes and colors and educational levels, was simple. To have a real heart-centred relationship. To be in an intimate, connected relationship of love, respect and sexual fulfillment.
It seems we as men have two conflicting needs here: on the one hand a need to fulfill the dictates of our testosterone by reaching orgasm freely and liberally. And on the other hand, a need to satisfy our very human desire to meet another human being from a soul connection. In other words, to love a woman and be understood by her, to have intimacy and love. Yet often the testosterone wins. And there is no shame in that.
But the point is this: we are men. We do what we can, yet we can always do better. Celebrate your masculinity.
A book about masculinity: understand more about being a man
The author describes each of the title’s four archetypes in turn, explaining both the positive and negative aspects of each one, and how each can interact with the others.
A great book for readers turned off by self-help works that are either too simplistic or too mystical. And, as the reviewers have pointed out, much of it would appear to be of interest to women as well as men.
Iron John : A Book About Men
by Robert Bly
Bly feels men are in trouble, and tries to explain why. He also attempts to define a real man: one who has the courage and conviction to fight, but also has the compassion and tenderness to feel. Men in our society seem to be too much on one side or the other. We have too many wild, violent, brutal men with no feeling.
We also have too many submissive, weak, ‘Yes Dear’ type of men. He tries to give reasons for this ‘downfall’, using important themes such as: 1) Young men without responsible, older men in their lives, 2) The industrial revolution separating father from son 3) The elimination our link to nature as a result of the Industrial Revolution, and 4) How the feminist movement, while absolutely necessary, has had an adverse effect of creating a culture which portrays men as complete idiots.
One of the big issues that people write to me about all the time is how to get over a breakup.
Specifically, how to improve how they feel, or how to make themselves feel better when their ex-boyfriend is gallivanting around with other women.
The whole objective of this website is to give you some strategies and ideas about how you can successfully re-establish a relationship with your ex-partner, so hopefully you’ll find that very useful.
Taking care of yourself
But the object of this particular article is to consider how you can take care of yourself after a breakup, whether you’re looking to get back together with your ex-boyfriend or not.
To start with, if you aren’t gentle with yourself after you’ve broken up, who is going to be?
What this means is not being self-critical or self judgmental, cutting out negative self talk, and especially finding positive things with which you can affirm your desirability, your beauty, and your self-esteem.
The first and most obvious way to do this is stop dwelling on your failures, and to stop thinking about what you could have done differently.
The simple truth is that you obviously couldn’t have done anything differently, because had you been able to do so, you would have done.
We’re all tempted to think about the things we could have done when something’s gone wrong (like a relationship ending), rather than looking forward positively to the future.
Look on the bright side! In every adversity there lies the seed of a greater benefit.
So if you’re finding it difficult to look forward positively, try saying some affirmations into a mirror every day.
If you look at yourself long enough, you’ll see your beauty shining through, and at that point you can use affirmations suited to your particular circumstances:
Everything I need comes to me easily and effortlessly
I attract fulfilling and happy and worthwhile friendships
I have a job which I really enjoy, and abundant prosperity because of it
I experience lots of pleasure, happiness and fun in my life
I am my own person and I know how to live and what I want and the universe delivers it all to me
I accept and love myself deeply and completely exactly the way I am
So you can imagine, I’m sure, how to find affirmations that will suit your particular circumstances.
Believe me, affirmations are a powerful way of changing your self-image.
Another thing you might find after breaking up is that you’re tempted to start binge eating, or eating things that aren’t good for you, or perhaps even drinking too much.
You might have difficulty sleeping, and turn to food for comfort, or you might have no desire to eat at all. You might crave unhealthy food after a breakup, and you might feel tempted to eat the kind of things that superficially make you feel better (chocolate, chips) but in fact do you harm in the longer term and don’t really satisfy you anyway. This is all about soothing the pain of separation.
Try to maintain a healthy diet, with all the foods which you know are good for you. And of course one of the great advantages when you’re able to do this, is that you’re soothing your wounded and unhappy inner child.
She’ll be feeling lonely and isolated, so an occasional treat, which won’t pile on the pounds is quite acceptable!
Stay Fit
If you can take exercise you’ll be in a much better space than you will be if you slob around in front of the TV mindlessly watching boring programs and trying to feel better, while actually feeling sorry for yourself.
Go out to the gym or go running, perhaps even take up something like yoga! This will really help you feel better. You’re out of the house, you’re doing something interesting, mixing with people, and getting some exercise – all of which which can release endorphins and another feel-good chemicals in the brain.
Besides which, taking up a new sport or indeed any new activity, and then losing yourself in it by deeply engaging with it, can be a great way of distracting yourself from the emotional pain of the break up; it can also increase your confidence.
This is a great time for personal reflection, i.e. thinking on a personal level about where you’re going in life and what you really want.
If your major goal is to get your ex back, then fine – but plenty of people need something that gives them a sense of purpose after a break up.
Get what you want from life!
Being in a relationship with another person can easily make you lose sight of your goals and objectives, so after a breakup, you might wish to consider what you actually want from life, and make sure that you find a way of getting it.
If you really want to change your image, have a complete makeover – but don’t do this alone! Have a friend come along with you so that you can share the fun and experience something positive for yourself.
Obviously caring for yourself with treats like a massage, facials, and pedicures can be a great way of feeling better about yourself. Much better than eating endless amounts of chocolate or ice cream, anyway.
While these ideas sound like simple things (which they probably are) the reason we mention them here is because this is the kind of relationship advice which people offer after a breakup!
It’s all about nurturing yourself and giving yourself some pleasurable experiences to boost your self-esteem, help you feel better, and (whether or not you get back together with your ex), help you make a new start in life.
Change Your Psychology
More importantly than anything else, perhaps, is the changes you can bring about in your internal world – increasing your self-confidence and your self-esteem, getting some therapy or counseling, and focusing on the positives not the negatives after a break up.
That way, your self-esteem and overall outlook become more positive. Practicing gratitude and joy so that you focus on the positive rather than negative is also very helpful.
You might also take some action to deal with anything that’s holding you back in life; for example, things you accumulated during your relationship and which serve as a reminder of it.
Take A Time Out
You might want to have a timeout; a period of no-contact with your ex, so you don’t see them at all for a while. You might especially want to do that if your relationship ended badly!
Above all, the important thing is to get out and have fun. Losing a relationship is like losing anything – you have to go through several stages of grief.
First there’s denial. Then there’s anger, followed by bargaining, depression and ultimately acceptance.
Going through this can be a growth experience. You can discover that losing your ex boyfriend isn’t a sign your life is over and you’ll be single forever. You can accept that you may not get him back, no matter what you would like to happen.
During the acceptance period, you may find it easiest to get out into the world and mingle with other people, but the point where you probably need to do that most is during the first stages of grief after your breakup.
And of course when you seek out a new relationship, be that with your ex boyfriend or with a new partner, remember there are some things you really can control!
For example, you don’t have to settle for the first man who comes along. If you’re trying to get back together with your ex boyfriend, you don’t have to settle for the same man you had when you broke up.
You may want more than your ex had to offer – I mean, you certainly broke up for a reason! If he hasn’t changed, maybe it’s important that any positive benefits you can get from this breakup do fully emerge into reality for you.
We’ve put together a great little guide about some of the things you can do to persuade your ex-boyfriend to get back together with you in a happy relationship.
To start with, remember that it doesn’t matter who broke up with who, or why you broke up. All that matters is this: you’re looking for ways to get your ex boyfriend back because you know he really is the man for you.
No matter how lovely, you broke up for a reason which needs to be dealt with.
But….. why is he now your “ex boyfriend”?
There must have been some powerful reasons why you broke up, and unless you do something about them, the second time around might just end the same way!
Here’s what you have to think about.
Do you know whether or not your ex wants to get back together with you? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Either way, you can raise your chances of getting back together into relationship with him.
But first, you need to really think about these questions:
Why did you breakup?
What went wrong with the relationship?
Do you know how he feels about you?
Are you absolutely sure that he’s the right guy for you?
Were you fully committed to the relationship?
Deep down, do you have any lurking suspicions that he might not really be the right man for you?
These are important questions, and you need to answer them as objectively as you can.
As you answer them, don’t be critical of your ex-boyfriend just because you’re not in a relationship with him any more. Instead, take an objective view of his strengths and weaknesses.
Think hard finding out how to get your ex back! You don’t want to repeat the break up second time around…..
And don’t be critical of yourself, either. The emotional BS in your relationship and the disagreements you had are probably a major part of why you broke up. It’s important to understand why they happened without blaming your ex boyfriend or yourself.
If you’re honest, and you spend some time thinking about those questions, you’re very likely to come up with some powerful insights about the relationship.
And if you have any doubts, then discovering how to get your ex boyfriend back is probably not a good idea.
On the other hand, if the reasons you guys fell for each other in the first place are still valid, and they still make you feel connected and fond of your ex boyfriend, then you stand a good chance of getting back together with him successfully. (And maybe getting back together fast.)
Another important question you might want to think about is when feelings of intimacy and connection began to disappear, and what happened to make them fade away. Did you get lazy about your relationship, perhaps?
Like I said, the reason for taking these questions seriously is because they help you work out whether or not you really want to get your ex boyfriend back.
They will also reveal, deep down inside, when you know it ain’t gonna work, no matter what you do.
You have to want him back because you believe it will make your life better, not just because you’re feeling lonely and miserable.
In other words if you don’t have a complete total belief that this is the right relationship for you, then why bother getting him back? There are plenty more fish in the sea.
So, assuming that you’ve decided this really is the relationship for you, are you ever going to find out how you can get your ex-boyfriend back?
1 Improve Beyond Recognition
You might think you’re attractive and friendly and nice to be around – but presumably if your ex felt that way, he’d still be in a relationship with you?
There was a reason you broke up, and if this was something to do with your feelings, thoughts and behaviors, then you need to change. To put it bluntly, you need to be way, way more desirable than he remembers.
And that means nicer emotionally, as well as more attractive, better dressed, better groomed, and dare I say it, better in bed (of which more later).
The idea is that when he sees you, he realizes how amazing you are. Far better than when you were together in the relationship, in fact!
You may have to change how he sees you – perhaps by making yourself more desirable, more adorable?
Whether or not you think this is shallow, you have to understand that for many men the initial pull to be in a relationship is physical attraction, no matter how much they like a girl.
Of course we’re not denying that men want a girl they can talk to, live with and feel comfortable with – sure they do. But looks are important too. So the better you look, the greater your chances of being able to get your ex-boyfriend back.
And of course that’s only a first step.
2 Forgive Him
You’ve probably read a great deal about forgiveness and how important it is in any relationship. Unfortunately, perhaps, everything you’ve read about the importance of forgiveness is absolutely true!
For as long as you hold resentment or anger towards your ex-boyfriend because of what happened in your relationship, you are destroying your chances of getting back together and having a good, intimate, loving relationship.
If you can discuss whatever went on between you, and deal with it in an adult, emotionally mature, way then you will have a strong foundation for a good relationship.
It’s too simple and blunt to say, as some relationship advice columnists do: “Whatever he did wrong – just get over it.”
How can you “just get over it”? After all, you’re feeling pain, or anger, or sadness, or maybe even fear, about some of the things that happened between you.
But unless your ex boyfriend deliberately set out to cause you pain, which is very unlikely, then it will be helpful to recognize he’s only human, and he makes mistakes.
(Of course if you believe that he deliberately set out to wound you in any way, emotionally, verbally or physically, then dump him now, once and for all.)
The problem is that it’s not so easy to forgive someone – especially an ex boyfriend – for what they’ve done to you when you’re still feeling the pain of it all.
So maybe you need to let go of your anger, sadness or fear, to make a clean break and a fresh start?
If you don’t have a technique for doing that, then get some help from a counselor or therapist, or talk to a good friend whom you trust, someone who might be able to give you an objective insight into what’s going on for you.
Because once you’ve let go of the past and the emotions associated with it, you open up a whole new field of possibility.
And speaking of possibility, do remember that you have to forgive yourself if you’ve made mistakes.
Start looking for solutions, not problems!
You might be blaming yourself right now for the things you did which you believe destroyed the relationship and drove him away.
And while you could spend your time and energy regretting and agonizing over it all, you’d be better of if you redirected that energy into growing emotionally.
That way, you will become a better and bigger person, a more attractive person. Again, counseling or therapy might help, as would talking to friends, or joining an organization which supports women in their efforts to become the best they can be.
Remember that every day is a great opportunity to have a great relationship with a great guy – whether that’s your ex-boyfriend or somebody new.
But to have a great relationship you need to be in a happy and emotionally mature place, where you’ve let go of the resentments of the past.
3 Don’t Hook Up With A Guy Just To Feel Better
Sure, you might feel miserable and lonely and want male companionship, but if you’re really serious about finding ways to make your ex-boyfriend come back to you, then why hook up with some random dude for an evening just to feel better?
Worse still, why hook up with some random dude just to have sex?
You probably won’t feel great about yourself afterwards – although if it helps, then go for it!
And if you’re doing it just to get one over on your ex boyfriend, or to get back at him, forget it. You’d really be doing it for the wrong reasons, and that mindset shows you still have some work to do on yourself.
You see, if you think that getting revenge on your ex by posting pictures of you drunk, or being sexual with another guy, is going to help, you need a reality check. And you certainly need to do some work on yourself.
And by the way, if you think he’s going to respond to that kind of blackmail, then he really isn’t the kind of guy you need to have as your boyfriend anyway!
Remember that if you do something to hurt “your” guy, that’s probably exactly what will happen – he will feel hurt. And if he feels hurt he’s not going to want to get back together with you, that’s for sure.
If you feel like you want to punish him, or make him see your side of things, the best prescription for you might be to have some time and space away from him. This will allow you to heal after breaking up with your man.
However, if you do see him, and you feel ready to rebuild the relationship, then you can hint that you might like to get back together with him.
And if or when you start feeling negative, blaming or attacking him, then take it as a sign that you really do need to step back and give yourself some time and space to work out exactly what you want.
4 Change Who You Are
Do you need to change yourself to be a more attractive partner?
You may find it hard to accept, but you must take responsibility for changing yourself.
If you’re serious about your ex, and you really do want him back in your life in a loving relationship, then you both may have to change.
We all know that this isn’t necessarily easy, but just think about it – if you go into your relationship from the same level of emotional development you did before, what’s gonna happen?
The answer, in case it isn’t obvious to you, is that you’ll have the same outcome. A break up. Your ex boyfriend will stay your ex boyfriend.
So, the question is “What did you do in the relationship that he didn’t like?”
Be careful here. Guys have their issues too, and he might not like being told what to do, or have you asserting yourself or setting boundaries, even though you have a perfect right to do those things if you want to. Those are the kind of things you’re expected to do in life, and they’re not what we’re talking about here.
What we’re really looking for here are the things you can identify in yourself as learning edges or growing edges.
For example, did you nag him, were you disrespectful to him, were you needy and clingy, were you cranky, demanding, unfaithful, or bad in bed? You, better than anyone, know the answers to these questions!
Bottom line: you need to fix whatever you identify in yourself as a serious fault, the cause of your relationship break up.
Understanding each other is essential for a good relationship.
And because time moves on and your ex may fall for another woman as his memories of you gradually fade, you need to get on the case pretty fast.
We all know that deep-seated issues won’t go away with one or two pieces of counseling or therapy or support. But the point is this – your ex needs to see that you’re making progress in your emotional development, and that you’re really committed to becoming a better and different person than the one he broke up with.
And once your ex-boyfriend sees how different you are, he will probably wish you’d never broken up, and he may be much more ready to give the whole relationship another chance.
Having said that, you don’t want to be doing this work – finding out how to get your ex boyfriend back – just to please your boyfriend – you want to be doing it because it’s going to be good for you.
Essentially, the same thing is true if it’s your marriage you’re trying to save. In either case, some personal growth work can move you into a place where you’re a much more attractive partner. (Here is one such possibility.)
Having said that, it could be that as you grow and develop emotionally, and as you get rid of your old emotional baggage, you suddenly start seeing your ex boyfriend in a new and less than adequate light.
People do outgrow each other, and when they do, relationships are often put under strain because the couple want different things as they go through different stages of emotional development.
You just have to take this chance, because the one thing that’s absolutely certain is that staying the same will not fix anything, and it won’t get him back.
5 How to Get In Touch With Your Ex Boyfriend
Suppose you’ve given each other some time and space apart, you’ve worked on giving up your anger and negative emotions from the past, and now it’s time to take the big step of seeing your ex-boyfriend once again.
You intention is to get him back for your happiness’ sake.
Only you know when it’s right to get back together with an ex-boyfriend. It could be two weeks after you broke up, or it could be as long as a year; maybe even years later.
But one thing’s for sure: you need to meet him face to face.
Many things can happen at the first meeting with your ex after a breakup; one which you need to think about in advance is the possibility of sex rearing its head unexpectedly onto the agenda.
Generally speaking, if you make it clear that you’re willing to go to bed with an ex-boyfriend he’s probably going to take you up on it. This is a bad idea.
To be honest, you need to make him want you. You need to make him work for you. That helps him feel committed to you.
You want to make him see how much fun he would have if you were in every area of his life, including the bedroom.
Even if you were together for a long time, make him work harder for you – don’t just give yourself to him straight away!
In fact, when a woman looks good and is sexually provocative, a man can be powerfully motivated to “win her” and “chase her”. So one approach is to to make him want you, very much.
You can use this as a way of conveying to him how much you’ve improved, how much you’ve changed, how sexy you are, how fabulous you are, and don’t you just know it!
But don’t overdo it, don’t lie, and don’t tease him – none of these things is going to endear you to him, particularly if he’s feeling resentful about the breakup.
Basically, you need to be honest and straightforward, showing yourself as the person you’ve become, rather than person you were when the relationship broke up.
If you do decide to have sex with your ex, either on the first meeting or later, then make sure that it’s mind blowing.
Be great in bed and have fun! He’ll never forget it!
Men are motivated by an attractive woman who’s good in bed. We all know that. But what you might might not know is that when a man has good sex, he opens up to his loving feelings. So this can work well for you.
But in the end it is just a bribe which you’re throwing out there, maybe desperately, in the hope that he’s going to come back to you. Probably not the right strategy.
Whatever you do, do it with confidence and self-assurance. Anything which lowers your self-esteem or makes you feel cheap – forget it. Don’t do it again.
Having A Conversation With Your Boyfriend
So what do you talk about with your ex? The guy with whom you’ve been in a relationship, known intimately, both emotionally and sexually, broken up with, and now the guy with whom you hope to get back together?
Well. In the situation we talking about here – getting back together with your ex boyfriend – you’re definitely not going to talk about the could haves, should haves, and the blame for the break up.
If you start off down that track, you’ll only get into the same dynamic you were in before: and look where that got you!
Although it’s a cliche, men love a beautiful woman who can make love skilfully, and give them the ride of their life.
So when you go to bed with a man, he’s going to compare you, one way or another, to every other woman he’s been in bed with. This is something men do!
There’s nothing right or wrong about it, because as a woman you probably have something similar going on.
But, the point is this: if he’s going to do that, you need to shape the outcome. He needs to put you at the top of the list!
After all, by now you are the one who’s better than every other woman he’s ever known….. how you look, how you dress, how you hold him, how you touch him and pleasure him…. your job is now showing him you’re the best lover he could ever have.
And if you do that, he’s not likely to look anywhere else.
Why would he? The moment he reaches orgasm with you is the moment when he may finally understand that you’re the woman he should be with.
To put it bluntly, you’re aiming to conquer his heart by satisfying his sexual urges and showing him the best time he’s ever had in bed.
Therefore, if you’ve never really paid much attention to sex, now’s the time to learn some new sexual techniques, and to throw your whole feminine energy at your ex-boyfriend, both emotionally and physically.
But what if the sex was always good? What if this isn’t going to make him come back, because he’s just getting the same pleasure he had before?
In this case you’ll have to work harder and look deeper to find areas of the relationship where you can actually give pleasure to your ex-boyfriend by being smarter, funnier, wiser, more mature, or a better companion. That’s how to get your ex back!
7 Don’t Be Complacent
You may feel things are going really well with your strategic plan for restoring your relationship.
You may think you know how to get your ex boyfriend back. You may already believe you are going to get him back.He may already be back with you.
But the only question which matters is – have you saved your relationship?
When people get back together, they may rapidly revert to the behaviors we’re all so familiar with in relationships. (Criticism, judgement, blame and so on.)
This happens when you haven’t made any fundamental changes to your attitudes, and so you fall back into the same old, same old patterns.
Good sex can keep a relationship together!
This can happen surprisingly quickly – which is a shame, because it’s in this early stage of the relationship where your guy is most likely to run, having decided that getting back together with you was a terrible mistake!
If you don’t treat him in the right way, with respect, as a separate being, entitled to his own opinions, ideas, behaviors and expectations about the world, he may well walk away from you.
(And if he treats you with disrespect, then you ought to walk away from him.)
In the end, having a successful relationship, with or without a ring on your finger, is all about seeing your partner as a separate person to yourself. Seeing him as someone worthy of respect, who you treat decently and to whom you show your loving heart.
At the same time, you also know he is separate from you and his his own rights and responsibilities and you accept he is not there simply to pleasure you.
If you behave like this, and if you expect the same in return from your ex-boyfriend, you may well be able to get back together with your ex-boyfriend and enjoy a good – maybe even a great – relationship.
I guess you’re reading this because your relationship has come to an end and you’re upset about it…. so upset, in fact, that you now want to know how to get your ex girlfriend back.
Well, read on, my friend, because as long as she hasn’t found the man of her dreams and as long as she doesn’t believe you’re truly incompatible, you really can can get her back with a little bit of effort.
All you have to do is find out what went wrong in the first place, and fix it.
Here’s how to get your ex girlfriend back.
1 Get Yourself Together: Let Your Ex See The Changes In You
To start with, you need to get your life back in order.
No matter how miserable you feel – and we all know that the end of a relationship can make you feel worse than just about anything else – no woman’s going to willingly come back to you when you’re in a state of self-pity and despair.
(And if she does – well, you might want to think better of it. Why be with a woman who’s attracted to your misery and neediness?)
Feeling bad? Want her back? Get help – start by buying Text Your Ex Back!
Come to think of it, no woman’s going to want to get back with you when you’re in a state of anger or rage, either.
So if you’re experiencing any of these emotions, maybe you should consider seeing a therapist, counselor, or joining a men’s group where you can express your feelings and get some support.
Deep down you probably have a sense of where you need to improve your personality, attitudes and behavior. I mean, if you’re playing video games 13 hours a day at weekends, that isn’t a great basis for a relationship!
And if you’re a slob who never changes his pants, or cleans the bath, then you know what to do.
The thing is, most women want a guy who looks after himself, both physically and emotionally.
2 Act Like A Man
Develop your masculinity and behave like a mature male.
You see, what women really want in a relationship is a man who’s mature and steady in his masculinity. (That doesn’t mean you can never play like a child – in fact, being playful is an essential part of good emotional health in a mature adult man or woman.)
She wants an emotionally mature man, not a guy who can’t control his feelings.
And so, if you don’t know what it means to be a grown-up, responsible, mature, emotionally stable individual, find out!
That way you can show her you’re working on becoming the best man you can be!
After all, your ex-girlfriend isn’t looking for perfection – she’s just looking for some evidence that you’re going to be a better guy than the one she split up with. (In other words, she’s looking for a new you!)
And in the context of this, you really have to remember that you don’t stand any chance of getting your ex-girlfriend back if you’re not emotionally in control of yourself.
No woman wants a man who’s desperate, clingy and needy – just like no man really wants a clingy, needy woman.
What a woman (that would be your ex girlfriend) wants is a man who’s strong, self-sufficient and independent, a man who stands firm in his masculinity.
So what can you do to get over the despair and anger you’re feeling after the end of your relationship with your ex?
Well, you can start an adventure, form a men’s group with some friends, go to the gym, find a hobby… you know what to do. It might even be what you’ve been avoiding for years!
And you can help yourself to look more attractive by getting some new clothes. Taking a pride in your appearance by buying new clothes and looking sharp signals a deeper change in your attitude – one of self-care, a sense of your increasing self-worth, and a deep sense of self-respect.
Even a small change in your appearance can be a sign of forward movement.
3 Improve Your Attitude
If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to be a mature responsible independent man. This can be a challenge in today’s society.
But it’s what a woman craves – so if you want your girl back in your life, the girl you loved and lost, you have to make an effort. And if it all looks like too much, then start small.
Your future should look very different to your past if you stand a chance of getting your ex girlfriend back.
First off, lose that jealousy. Underneath jealousy lies the fear of being alone, and that’s not attractive to anyone. It hints at desperation. The other thing jealousy suggests is a desire to be in control of another person – and that’s probably the last thing your ex wants.
If you come across as desperate or threatening she’ll probably run a mile, and quite rightly!
We all know getting over a breakup isn’t simple, and that getting back with an ex girlfriend can be a challenging prospect, but this is really the time to seize your courage and hold out it out in front of you, slice through your fear, and find a new way forward.
You can choose to sit around playing video games and feeling sorry for yourself, or you can take our advice on getting back with an ex and look forward to a brighter future.
You see, even if you don’t manage to win her back, the changes you make in yourself might attract a better woman into a new relationship with you.
So here’s the challenge for you – act like nothing is wrong.
Why? For the same reason we’ve already mentioned a couple of times – your ex isn’t going to want you back if you’re acting angry, mopey, sulky (or like your life’s over).
Simply trying to have a good time will help you feel the joy, and experience laughter and fun, and that’s a far more attractive prospect than being around somebody who’s as miserable as hell.
If you don’t already know this, you might be impressed to learn that one of the things women say they find most attractive in a man is a sense of humor. And let’s face it, there’s nothing you need more right now than a sense of humor!
3 Leave Her Alone For A While
Give your ex some space and time. I know you’ve heard this before – but in case you don’t understand how the “30 days no contact” rule can help restore a relationship, here’s why.
If you don’t speak for her to 30 days, it might be tough, and it might hurt you, but it certainly will give you a chance to reflect on what’s happened, so you you’re not acting in the heat of the moment. (Always a bad idea when it comes to the fairer sex.)
Some random girl won’t make you feel better – at least, not in the long term.
You never know, as the time goes by, you might actually find you’re really beginning to feel better without her than you were with her. Yes, it’s possible! In any case, it’ll certainly let your temper cool down.
But there’s another reason forgiving her space: she needs it. Especially if your relationship was claustrophobically close!
She’ll get the time and opportunity to realize how wonderful you actually are – your absence might help her see and feel that she’s really lost a friend – and that will make her want to have you back.
And a girl who sees her exboyfriend being independent and strong tends to think how attractive he is ….. You never know, she might even get a tingling in her pants at the thought of being back with you.
4 Meet Some New People – Especially Women
Meeting some new women and making new female friends has to be good for you.
But I want you to understand this isn’t about making her jealous. Well, not entirely. It’s really about you feeling better because other women find you an attractive guy to be around.
Just to avoid any confusion, let me say this isn’t about finding another woman to replace your partner.
Remember, your mission here isn’t just getting over your breakup, it’s about finding out how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
So if you spend time with women, you’ll feel better, particularly if they like and admire you.
And this will also show your ex girlfriend that women like being around you, that you have a lot of attractive qualities, and that, you’re desirable in other women’s eyes. That, believe it or not, may well make your ex want you back in her life more.
(Of course if she actually decides she’s better off without you and that some other women is welcome to you, then you have a different problem to deal with.)
But let’s work on the assumption that you broke up because of some temporary problem, and the right thing for you both is to be back together in a loving relationship.
5 Tap Into Your Inner Masculinity
One thing many men in our society don’t understand is what masculinity really means. But these are the qualities you need to cultivate: emotional strength, dominance, confidence, assertiveness, courage, loyalty….
And more than anything else, emotional control. A mature man never rages, ever breaks out into uncontrollable anger, has his fear under control, and is a powerful man in the world.
An alpha male stands out from the crowd.
In fact he’s an alpha male. And of course women are attracted to the alpha male – why wouldn’t they be?
The alpha male is the one who can protect a woman, care for her, and give her good children.
Now don’t misunderstand me. You might think your ex wanted a sweet, compliant men – and maybe she did, but if that’s the case, it’s only because she’s got an issue with masculinity.
A sorted woman, one who’s got rid of her emotional baggage, wants a masculine man – he’s the one who gives her the tingle in her pants, the one who makes her want to open herself up to him. (And you know what happens when a woman wants to open her heart to you – she wants to open her body as well.)
6 Take Action
You must take action to change! Simply thinking about what you can do to improve yourself or make yourself more desirable is no use at all without action.
There are some cliched things women seem to love – and here, you can take advantage of generations of men who’ve gone before you, and who knew that:
Buying a woman flowers really makes her soften.
A women loves to receive a letter – because letters take time to write, and you can express your feelings.
She wants to be cared for and, more than anythign else, cherished.
And if you include an apology in your letter, so much the better, because research has shown that a couple who apologize to each other for upsetting each other have a much higher chance of staying together. It’s a simple thing, but it really counts.
Once you’ve made contact – by the way, you can make first contact by text message, although to be honest you do need to send her a letter as well as a mark of sincerity – you can meet her in person.
Meet in a public place, or somewhere you know she’ll feel comfortable, and tell her that you know you did some terrible things (!) and you’re sorry for it.
Tell her you want to take responsibility. Tell her you know you shouldn’t have done what you did. Tell her that losing her was the biggest mistake you ever made. Tell her you don’t want anything from her (except possibly her love).
Saying these things is pretty powerful to a woman, so you’d better mean them.
If you’re working on bringing your ex back into a relationship with you just so you can feel better, you’re making a terrible mistake.
You need to know, truly, deep down, that this really is the woman you should be with, and that losing her was the biggest mistake you ever made.
And if that’s the way it is for you, what exactly what can you do to rebuild your friendship, restore the trust that is now lost, and potentially save your relationship or save your marriage?
Start by doing something nice for her without expecting anything in return.
Then, when you’re sure there’s the potential for something more between you, take it a step deeper.
Go for coffee together.
Have some fun together….
Ride your bikes together.
Hang out at the pool together.
Go to a movie together.
Take a walk in the countryside together.
Whatever you do, don’t make a move on her – just enjoy her company, show that you’re a great guy to be around.
These simple techniques are the key to discovering how to get your ex girlfriend back.
Know what you want from your life, and your ex girlfriend, before you look for a reconciliation.
And when you’ve established a degree of intimacy, you can tell her about the feelings you still have for her. Do this when you’re on your own with her. And don’t look for sex at this stage!
This is the point where you can tell her you want her back in your life. So look good, feel confident, and act like a man.
In other words, say something meaningful she can believe: “I’m sorry we broke up. I know it was my fault because I didn’t appreciate you in the way I realize I should have done. I can see how worthwhile it would be to care for you and love you in a relationship, and I want to share that and experience that with you. I can’t deny I still feel love for you.”
Using the “L Word” (that’s love, in case you were wondering) might be a step too far, but don’t avoid it if you do feel love for her.
If you love your ex girlfriend and you believe it’s worth getting back together, you have to learn from the mistakes you made the first time around.
7 Plan the Future
What does the future hold? Everything, perhaps, if you handle this situation well.
What you need right now, while she is (hopefully) beginning to open up to the possibility of getting back into a relationship with you, is a plan to get back together and stay together, perhaps even to live together forever.
Truth be told, if you don’t have a plan to make the future different to the past, what d’ya think’s gonna happen?
Sure – you’re going to fall back into the same old unhelpful patterns.
So whatever went wrong first time around must be eliminated. Either that or you find a compromise so these issues don’t disrupt your relationship second time around.
More to the point, if you already have a plan of how you two can get back together – whether it’s as obvious going to counseling, or as simple as spending time apart and giving each other space – she’s going to be really impressed…
… hopefully, so impressed she will want to be back in relationship with you.
So be honest about how you’re feeling.
Above all, don’t focus on what she did wrong in the relationship. So be very careful of any sentence that begins with the word “you”. As in, “If only you hadn’t…” and the like!
Let her see and sense the change in you, and show her you know where and why things went wrong.
Show her you intend to do better, and that you’ve changed. Tell her the qualities you feel are developing in you – for example, you’re more patient, more forgiving, more aware of your faults, more open to love, perhaps.
These simple techniques can help love grow in a woman’s heart – and that, my friend, is exactly how you can get your ex girlfriend back. And then you can look forward to a loving, long term relationship which will last for years to come.
You want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back… well, here’s how.
This is Part 2 of How to Get Your Boyfriend Back.
Getting Back Together – Part 2
Tip #5 Initiate Contact With Your Guy
Someone has to make the first move when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back. That’d be you, then.
This isn’t a foolproof way to get your ex back, but as relationship advice goes, it’s not bad: you’re the one who has to initiate contact, regardless of how long it was since you and your man broke up.
And of course you can’t get back together over the phone – you have to meet in person, face-to-face.
So get together for a coffee – or something. But whatever you do, don’t have sex on your first “date”. Discovering each other, and finding out how to get your ex back is a slow process.
When you get back together, no matter how long you’ve been with each other before, things will be different. After all, you’ve broken up, and for many people that implies a lack of trust.
And having sex with someone you don’t trust is always a bad idea.
Why get into this situation unless you trust a man?
And in any case, if it was his behavior or his attitude which caused the breakup, you really don’t want to sell yourself short. You want to know he has changed. Or is willing to change.
So while you can certainly be (sexually) provocative, and you can be sexy and seductive, don’t give in to his requests or demands that you go to bed together just for the sake of old times!
You see, you’re demonstrating how much you’ve improved – how desirable you are. You’re showing how much more worthy of a good relationship you are…. that is a great way of discovering how to get your ex boyfriend back.
And along with that goes a whole slew of behaviors: maintaining your dignity, being polite, apologizing for anything you did, listening to what he has to say, and also respecting yourself by setting boundaries.
In this particular case, boundaries around going to bed – or rather, not going to bed.
And you’re also not going to take anything he dishes out which diminishes you, are you? So if he starts accusing you of doing things which caused you to break up, then you need to step in and stop him.
The focus here should be on the future.
Can you get back with an ex boyfriend or ex partner? Yes, of course you can, but you most likely won’t do it by going over the past. You won’t do it by holding grudges.
Instead – adopt a more constructive strategy of discovering how to get your ex boyfriendback. Perhaps by making your ex-boyfriend want you back.
Your future should look very different to your past if you are to have a chance of getting your ex boyfriend back – and being happy!
To that end, even though it is your desire to be back in relationship with him which is driving the whole sequence of events, it’s you who must consciously decide when to take your ex back into relationship.
So, in the context of being better than you were before, you’re going to have to tone down being sexy and provocative. And also you have to show him how different and better you are, and how well you’re doing.
This can be difficult – you might be feeling lonely and abandoned inside, but you don’t want to let him see that.
What you want him to see in you is the woman he wants to be in relationship with!
You need a fair bit of confidence and self-esteem to do this successfully.
And your guy might need time to appreciate the new you.
And you might want to make sure you don’t have him back in a relationship overnight. You need to make him work for it.
And if you do have sex, let him worry about you, and make him work to get you back. Let him wonder whether or not he’s made a mistake seeing other women.
Let him wonder what your motives, desires and wishes are.
In short, make him want you. Make your ex want you like he did in the early days of your relationship.
Like I said above, don’t talk about the past or why you broke up. Ask him about where he’s going, what he’s doing, and what’s new in his life.
If you want to talk about the past, refer only to the positive events that you experienced together.
At this stage it’s best to keep things light and easy. Right now, deep emotional conversations about what happened are not the order of the day. Don’t talk about what you could or should have done differently. This will most likely take you back to the place you were in when you broke up.
No matter how great the temptation, don’t talk about negative stuff.
Effectively what you’re aiming for here is a new relationship.
In fact, you could even see it as a new relationship with a new and different boyfriend. Like I said above, if he’s still the same man as he was when you broke up, getting back together’s probably not going to work too well.
Loving sex is the foundation of all relationships – that, or trust, love, affection, respect, intimacy, mutual support…..
And bearing in mind how important physical intimacy is, it’s up to you to make sure that when sex eventually happens, it’s going to be absolutely fantastic for him.
Of course that means you need to work at making it good, perhaps even being a bit manipulative as you do so.
Remember the pleasure he experiences with you in bed may have a significant influence on whether or not he wants to get back together with you.
Like it or not, men are motivated to feel love by good sex. So if you can be a better lover than any woman he’s had since you split up (or ever in his life), then you may significantly increase your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back into a relationship with you.
This means everything you do in bed has to be as good as you can make it.
Maybe you already know what excites him, but you might want to try something new. Maybe he asked for oral but you never got around to it. Maybe he’d have liked you to talk dirty but you felt too prudish. Perhaps your body issues meant sex under the covers with the lights off…. well, how about shedding a few inhibitions?
In short, whatever you need do to woo him, to seduce him, and to make him realize in his joy at the moment of sexual climax that it’s only you who can satisfy him, DO IT!
(With dignity, of course. Don’t prostitute yourself.)
That’s the essence of your feminine power as a woman… your sexuality. It is your feminine power which can give you the edge in getting your ex boyfriend back. Truth is, you know how to do this, just as generations of women before you have known how to do it.
You may realize, by now, that there’s a responsibility resting on you to make sex work for him. If you don’t really enjoy sex, or you don’t how to make sex good for a man, then take some advice from a counselor, your best friend, or your inner goddess.
You can’t underestimate how important sex is in a loving relationship – and the better the sex, the more likely that your ex-boyfriend will wish to come back into relationship with you.
After all, if his physical needs are satisfied, why would he go anywhere else?
But how soon should you have sex with him?
Well, you’re a woman, so you can work on the strategies and schemes that women have employed for generations to woo and seduce their men – no matter that he is a “new” partner, and he’s also been your boyfriend in the past.
If this feels like a new relationship for both of you, then you’ll naturally employ all the strategies and techniques you intuitively know about to seduce him and win him over.
7 Don’t Let Him Get Away With Being The Same Man He Always Was!
When you’ve had a few dates, and it looks like everything is going well, and you think you’re going to get your ex-lover back, you need to just pause and check.
You know how, in the early days, any relationship can appear to be wonderful and romantic and loving.
Until, that is, after a few weeks, reality dawns, and couples begin to see each other as they truly are. (This is the end of idealization.)
Well, the same can happen here if you’re not careful.
When you’re building a relationship – no matter that this is a NEW relationship with the man you’ve already known and loved and split up with – you have to do all those things which help you grow and develop together both individually and as partners in relationship.
Respecting, communicating, honoring, giving time to each other, supporting, loving…. and a whole lot more.
If you start behaving like enemies, neither of you is going to benefit from re-establishing a relationship and your reconciliation with your ex will go down the pan straight away. You haven’t put all this work into discovering how to do this, how to get him back, for that to happen.
There are several things you can do which help relationship renewal to go smoothly.
First, make sure you don’t believe you own him (in any sense whatsoever) – and if he behaves as though he owns you, then ditch him.
By the way, jealousy is the clearest sign that a man thinks they have some proprietorial right to you, your body, or the right to invade your boundaries.
From the other perspective, the one thing that disturbs a man more than anything else is a woman treating him as though she owns him, especially by not respecting his particularly male need to protect his personal space and boundaries.
Another thing you need to be doing is making sure that you’re working at the relationship all the time.
In other words, doing things that give you the best chance of making up and staying together.
What does it all add up to?
Well, you need to put in a lot of effort to sustain your relationship. You need to research techniques about how to get your ex boyfriend back. You need to live them. In fact, you need to live to your highest potential.
Only then will you live in a great relationship with your man – a relationship which makes your heart sing with joy.
Every year, thousands of women break up with their boyfriends only to find themselves feeling desperately lonely and unhappy.
And of course if you’re feeling like that, you’d do anything to get him back, wouldn’t you?
But this is exactly the time when you need to be asking yourself whether finding out how to get your ex boyfriend back is the right thing to do. In fact, the best question you can ask yourself right now is this: “Is he really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?”
In short, is he good enough for you?
Or do you only want your guy back because he made you feel good about yourself?
These are important questions to ask yourself, but they’re not the only ones you need to answer before you start trying to get your ex back in your life.
What do you want from your life, and your ex ?
You see, although you can discover how to get your ex back in 90% of break-ups, you should really only do that if you’re completely convinced your boyfriend and you really are made for each other.
Don’t forget many breakups happen for a very good reason – they’re a sign that two people aren’t in the right partnership, that you and he don’t belong together in the long term.
If you’re a guy looking to get a woman back, go here.
If you want to know more about Text Your Ex Back, go here.
Before You Even Approach Your Ex Boyfriend
Before you do anything to get your ex-boyfriend back, you must start behaving rationally.
I’m sure you’re not doing anything crazy, but if you were, let’s say, stalking your boyfriend on Facebook, sending text messages every few minutes, or sending him emails every day, you’d need to stop doing that and consider the following questions instead:
What was it that made you fall for each other in the first place – and does that still apply?
How much do you really have in common – and are moving in the same direction, closer together, or further apart?
Was he outgrowing you emotionally or were you outgrowing him emotionally?
How did you really feel about him? I mean, really feel about him, deep down? And, pf course, do you really want to get your ex boyfriend back in a relationship? Why would it be any better now than it was before?
And why did the relationship go wrong? Did you start taking each other for granted?
Did you stop working at maintaining love – or did you give up hope because he wasn’t interested in you?
Can you honestly say that your life would be better if you found out how to get your ex back than it would without him?
You need to answer some more questions as well…. in fact, you need to work out a couple of very important issues.
The first thing is, do you really want to get your ex boyfriend back because you know it will make you happy?
The second question is, do you want your guy back because you feel lonely and sad, all the while knowing deep down inside, that it won’t work out because you’re just not right for each other?
You can understand, I’m sure, that in the second case no matter how much information you read about how to get your ex boyfriend back in your life, it ain’t gonna work out – and that means it’s not worth even trying to get him back.
Video – why do we cheat?
(Ignore this if cheating was not an issue in your break up!)
Now, If You Really Want To Get Him Back…
Assuming you’ve really thought this through, and you’re convinced he’s the right person for you, what can you do to make your old boyfriend believe in the goodness, rightness and worth of your relationship? What can you do to discover how to get your ex boyfriend back?
In other words, how can you get your ex back and get into a new relationship?
Let’s get to the nitty-gritty here: we’re talking about being more desirable. Hotter. Sexier. More of a catch.
You already know how much of a motivator good sex can be for a guy, and you know how much an attractive woman can motivate any guy.
So if you can be that woman, you have a massive lever to get your guy back into relationship with you.
Just how do you make him want no-one but you? Read on to find out….
You should aim to look so good that when he sees you, he thinks “Wow, she is amazing – and I want her!”
Sure, maybe this sounds shallow, but it’s true. A lot of guys think in a very basic way (i.e. a sexual way).
But more importantly you also need to remember that when a guy has good sex with a woman it opens him up to his loving feelings for her. Yes, sex is a route to love for a guy. And…..
….I’m not suggesting you sell yourself short in your attempt to get your ex boyfriend back by prostituting yourself…. and you can work this one out for yourself, I’m sure. We’ll come back to sex in a moment.
3 Apologize For Your Part In The Break Up
Couples who apologize to each other for what they’ve done to hurt each other have much better and longer lasting relationships than couples who don’t.
So the first thing is you need to apologize for everything you did which contributed to the relationship breaking up.
You know, saying these things to your ex might just be a matter of swallowing your pride and admitting what you know about yourself. And, perhaps, discovering some of the things which get in the way of you having a good relationship with a man.
These are the obstacles to a successful relationship which lie in your personality.
Now, although you obviously can’t change the past, you can apologize for it and then do things differently in the future.
So please don’t beat yourself up over the mistakes you’ve made in the past – that isn’t going to get your ex back.
All good relationship advice will tell you the same thing. If you want to know how to get your ex back, start by admitting the mistakes you made. Then forgive yourself for those mistakes, and then apologize to your ex partner.
4 Keep Focused! No Random Dudes In Bed!
Some random dude in your bed won’t make you feel better – at least, not in the long term.
We all know about the bounce-back effect after a relationship’s broken up. “She’s on the rebound.” Oh dear. Desperation is in the air…. any boyfriend will do. No he won’t!
Of course, it can be helpful to us all if we find a man who can console us, give us physical affection, make us feel better.
Let’s say you want to get your ex back because you’ve decided he’s the guy you need to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t take some other guy to bed, or post stupid drunken pictures online. This isn’t exactly going to help your case for a new relationship with your ex partner.
In fact your ex boyfriend can be hurt and may hate you even more if he sees this. He’s not likely to appreciate that you’re in pain, and you need to feel better. He’s just going to see you in a bad light.
What if you really want to get your ex boyfriend back? What if you really want to repair your relationship?
Then the first thing you must do is get over your breakup.
You see, getting back together with an ex isn’t difficult – like I said above, it can happen in 90% of cases. However, it does require you to be in a certain place. That is, emotionally stable. Clear about what you want. Clear about how you can get it. Speaking of which….
5 Change – However You Need To Change
So you’re serious about your ex. You want to fix your broken relationship. You want to make your ex want you back.
Sure, you can read plenty of relationship advice and articles on how to get over a break up on the Internet. And you can read a hundred articles on “10 ways to get your ex back” by a hundred different authors if you want. You can find out why men and women have different expectations. And so on, and on, and on.
But in truth, first and foremost, you are going to have to do something. You are going to have to change.
Let me repeat that: you are going to have to change.
Some people claim Einstein said that you can’t solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it. That’s absolutely true.
If you go back into a relationship with the same person and continue doing exactly the same things you did before, in the same way, the relationship’s going to go exactly the same way – downhill, fast.
So you need to have a clear idea of what caused the breakup in the first place. You need to know what you did that sent him packing. And then, whatever lies at the root of that behavior, you need to work on it – and do things differently in the future.
Were you bad tempered, demanding, needy and cranky, nagging, invading of his boundaries, unfaithful, or bad in bed?
“Yes” to some of those, maybe? So what you do next is fix the problems you were causing.
You might think your guy needs to fix a few problems, too…. And of course he does. But the problem is he may not want his ex girlfriend back in the way you want your ex boyfriend back!
Which means you have to make the first contact, you have to initiate the process of reconciliation.
You can do this by showing him that the way you are going to be in relationship is much better. Very much better. So much better that he wants to be with you… and you alone. That way you may inspire change in him. Hopefully.
But if you don’t try, what chance have you got?
Which brings us on to….part 2! Which you can find here.
Judging by the amount of information on the Internet about how to get back together after a break up, there must be a whole lot of people who break up, and then realize they’ve made a terrible mistake.
If you’re in this situation, have you any idea how you can get your ex back?
Do you know how to reconcile with your ex, overcome the disagreements which caused you to break up, and move forward more strongly?
Let’s find out.
Can life ever be the same again? No, but it can be much better!
Making Up Or Breaking Up: What’s The Right Thing to Do?
The very first thing to consider is whether or not getting back together is actually the right thing for you to do.
And yes, I know the feeling of loss and grief and sadness after a relationship ends can be intense.
In fact, it can drive you rapidly to the conclusion that the only thing you need in the world is for your ex to be back alongside you.
If, for example, you made a rash decision to split up during a blazing row, and false pride is preventing you from reaching out in a gesture of reconciliation, you might well want to get back together with your lost loved one.
On the other hand, if you realize that you wanted to break up because you were fed up with the way things were going, the relationship was making no progress, and you were feeling you were with the wrong person, it’s probably not a good idea to get back together, no matter how strong your grief might be!
What I’m saying is – think about it before you make any rash moves.
Give This Some Thought: Do You Really Want Your Ex Back?
The question is whether getting back together with your ex really is the best thing for both of you.
When people break up, they sometimes look back on the relationship with selective vision, seeing the good times, and somehow overlooking or eliminating the bad ones from the memory.
Knowing that you don’t have to make a decision right here, right now, about renewing the relationship, do you think it might be a good idea to take stock? To give some serious thought to what you really expect and want from a romantic and sexual relationship?
And in particular, whether or not your ex-partner, whether that be your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, really is the right person, for you, forever.
What this comes down to, I guess, is whether the quality of your life will be improved by having your partner in it.
If you had to rate your quality of life on a scale of 0 – 10, what score would life with your partner get?
Now, be honest. Would life without your partner rank higher?
Is life going to offer more with or without your ex?
Or perhaps you now realize there’s no advantage or disadvantage to having your old partner in your life? In which case why would you want to know how to get your ex back? That sounds like it would be a very mundane relationship.
The other side of this, be aware, is whether or not your expartner benefited from you being in his or her life!Just think about that for a moment. Did you improve the quality of your ex’s life? Really?
There are many more questions you need to ask yourself before plunging headfirst into relationship renewal.
One of them is whether or not you want to know how to get your ex back because you’re frightened of being alone.
Perhaps you fear never meeting anyone else who’s going to accept you as you are?
And keep in mind that when you’ve worked through the immediate anger and distress and sadness and grief about the breakup of your relationship, you might surprise yourself by finding you really are better off without your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
If You Decide You Want To Get Back Together With Your Ex….
There are some things that you really shouldn’t do when you’re trying to re-establish a relationship.
You’ve probably heard about these before, but we all know that the power of our emotions after a break-up can make us behave stupidly and irrationally.
So just stop for a moment and consider some of the things you really shouldn’t be doing – they’re explained below. If you think these will play any part in your reconciliation, think again!
1 Don’t Beg Your Partner To Take You Back
Any worthwhile relationship advice about how to get your ex back will tell you that you need to keep your dignity and your sanity.
Being needy and dependent is unattractive to almost everyone (except perhaps those who need to be needed, which is almost as bad). Where’s your own inner strength and sense of self?
And the other point here is that even if you behave desperately, expressing your sadness and your grief, weeping and wailing, sending desperate text messages late at night after you’ve had a few drinks, and your ex begins to feel sorry for you…… well, really, do you want her or him to take you back just because you begged and pleaded?
Surely your relationship needs to be built on something more substantial than “your need not to be alone”?
The best breakup advice is this: if you feel desperate, and you think your world is over, do some work on feeling better about yourself before you approach your ex partner.
And even though you might feel right now that begging and pleading is OK, you have to think about how you’re going to feel in the longer term. You don’t want to feel ashamed of how you behaved, surely? How will you live with that if you do?
You cannot get back together in a spirit of desperation, and not expect this energy to impact your relationship in some way…. badly.
2 Punishing Your Ex Is Forbidden!
You might not believe this, but some people actually want to find a way to get back with their ex so they can get their own back on him or her.
In other words, people can be so hurt they wish to teach an ex boyfriend or girlfriend a lesson!
(Usually the lesson they “ought” to have been able to see for themselves is about how good you are, how wonderful you are, and how fortunate they would be to have you in their life. All of which happen to be signs of a low self-esteem on your part.)
And those are only the most extreme forms of games that people play.
Getting over an ex is challenging, of course it is, but making the process more difficult for everyone by playing games is weak. A common one is trying to make your ex jealous by pretending someone else is interested in you.
This isn’t that a strategy which involves much integrity or honesty. In fact, it’s downright manipulative, and if you do ever get back together, this kind of thing will have an impact on your relationship.
What’s the reality behind your break up?
3 Emotional Blackmail Is A Bad Idea
We’ve all seen the extremes of emotion people can work themselves into when a relationship’s ended.
Screaming, crying, or even worse, threatening to “end it all”, if your ex boyfriend won’t have you back, or your ex-girlfriend never wants to see you again, is really undignified…… let alone a very clear statement of your emotional immaturity.
4 Show Your Ex How You’ve Changed
It’s no use just telling your ex-partner you’re different, and that everything’s going to be fine in the future.
He or she isn’t likely to believe that, unless they also feel desperately lonely and want to get back together because life seems so empty – and that’s called clutching at straws.
In reality you need to understand that the best way to get an ex-boyfriend back, or a good strategy to get back with your ex-girlfriend, is to show them how you’ve changed.
So if they accused you of being insecure, you can show them you’re not insecure at all by refraining from contacting them, or stalking them on Facebook, or sending them emails and texts every few minutes.
Be different! Be the person your partner deserves! And show them who you can be at your best!
Or, if your ex decided that they didn’t want to be with you because you didn’t show your feelings, then you could make a start on writing a letter to show them that you really are a sensitive and caring individual.
That’s a more sensible strategy – it shows you know how to get your ex back from a place of emotional balance not desperation!
And if you commit to changing what you do and how you do it, remember change isn’t likely to happen unless you have a definite intention to change, and a plan about how that’s going to happen. (In other words, you really, really mean it.)
For example, here you could tell your ex what’s going to be different and how you’re going to ensure you stick to your promises.
5 Say Sorry If You Need To
Although you might not think an apology means very much, you’d be mistaken.
It’s one of the most powerful ways to get your ex back. To start with an apology can be a sign of respect (at least, if the apology is sincere).
But more than that, it’s an acknowledgement you are ready to admit you did something wrong. Long story short: research has demonstrated that if partners can apologize to each other, relationships are much more likely to survive.
6 Romance Is A Good Thing
If you’re a man trying to get back with an ex-girlfriend, you might recall that in the early days of your relationship you were very keen on romance – in fact you probably enjoyed romancing your partner, because most men do.
But then, once you’ve won your woman, the job is done, and somehow romance seems to take a back seat!
So do you think it’s possible that a little bit of romance in your relationship might make a big difference to your ex’s willingness have you back?
Worth a try, surely?
And in amongst that romantic approach, don’t forget that talking about the good times you had together can be a powerful reminder of why you were together in the first place and of all the good times you shared.
Focusing on the negative is all too easy when you feel hurt.
Focusing on the positive when you’re carrying feelings of anger and sadness can be harder, but it can produce more constructive results.
7 Accept Things Are Different and Let Go Of The Past
It’s possible your relationship ended with mutual agreement, but it’s also possible that you broke up because either you or your ex decided enough was enough.
Perhaps there was infidelity, perhaps your ex met somebody else, or perhaps you did. Maybe one person felt they’d been carrying all the emotion in the relationship and they were prepared to do it any more.
Whatever the reason for the breakup, there aren’t any foolproof ways to get your ex back, but what you certainly can do is take some constructive steps to get back together.
The best way to approach this is probably to talk about how you would do things differently in the future.
Focus on what you can do together in the future, and what you want from your partner in the future, particularly if they were the one who instigated the breakup.
This way, you might be able to save your relationship. You might even be able to save your marriage rather than divorce if that’s where you’re at.
Certainly this takes willingness and openness on both sides, a readiness to see the other person’s point of view.
It also takes a fundamental conviction that your (ex) partner really is the right person for you.
And it also takes genuine desire to find out how to get your ex back because you believe you will be happier together than apart.
It seems to be one of the most popular questions on the Internet net at the moment – “How do I get my ex back?” or “How can I get back together with my ex?”
There are many issues here – first of all, why would people break up and then (apparently in great numbers!) decide they made a terrible mistake and want to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend?
Why do people NOT find the courage to strike out, accepting that they broke up for a very good reason, and now is the time to find a new relationship?
All great questions, but not what we’re going to answer here.
How To Get Your Ex Back
Perhaps you’ve made a decision to get back together with your ex because you’ve realized that the boyfriend or girlfriend with whom you split up is really the person you now want to be with – perhaps even for the rest of your life.
What steps, in this situation, can you take to get back together with your ex? In other words how can you get back together with the boyfriend or girlfriend who you dumped or were dumped by?
Here goes: a step-by-step on how to get your ex back, aka a guide to relationship repair.
Getting Back Together
Step one
Take time to reflect on what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Make sure you really do want to get back with your partner because you believe that he or she is the right person for you, rather than because you are frightened of being alone, or trying to avoid shame and humiliation from others.
Work out what went wrong first time around, and think of ways in which you can avoid the same thing happening again. It stands to reason that if you go back into a relationship with exactly the same mindset that you had before, it isn’t going to work any better now than it did last time.
Just why do you want your ex back?
Step two
You need to find a way of showing your ex partner that you have reflected on why the relationship ended, and that you are prepared to do something about it.
You need to show him or her you are willing to change, and you have to show a thoughtful response to things that have happened in the past. That way your ex-partner should be more willing to reconsider the relationship – restarting the relationship, that is.
Getting back together with your ex requires emotional maturity on your part and also on your ex’s part. It requires good communication, and that in turn requires you to admit what you might have done wrong that contributed to the breakup.
Let’s face it: if you want to get an ex back, then you need to know how to do it. Read on.
Step three
Whatever you do, don’t put pressure on your ex partner, or pursue him or her with a high level of energy immediately after the breakup. Your ex-partner will require space and time away from you to re-establish their own emotional and intellectual stability.
Therefore if you start calling, texting, or even appearing in person, or indeed, trying to insert yourself into his or her life on Facebook too soon, you are likely to irritate them, and convey a feeling of desperation, neither of which are going to be helpful to your aim of re-establishing the relationship.
In fact, you could well persuade your ex girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that instead of getting back together with you, the thing they need to do most urgently is run in the opposite direction.
The best of all possible worlds is if your ex-partner comes to you.
Take time for yourself, and do things that you enjoy with people whom you like. You can reconnect with who you are if you do this, and you can avoid the pressure that comes from feeling beholden to another person.
You should have a strong sense of self that will sustain you whether you do get back together with your partner or not. And really, I suppose, in the end what this comes down to is the old advice you’ve heard so many times before:you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.
Ways You Can Try To Get An Ex Back
Step 1
Take responsibility for what went wrong the first time around.
If you can, sit down with your ex and explain to them that you have understood where you went wrong, what you did wrong, and that you are eager to avoid doing the same thing in the future.
You might say for example, “I know I never paid you enough attention and I never listened to you and I didn’t take any notice of your needs.” Whatever it is, don’t just tell them what you’ve understood about yourself, tell them what you will do in the future to make things better.
Help, I need somebody, help!
Step 2
If you can, focus on moving forward rather than going backwards.
It’s all very well saying that you want to get back together, but the point is you broke up for a reason, and you have to ask yourself a very deep and important question: did you break up because were fundamentally incompatible or because you and your ex didn’t have good enough relationship skills?
You see, you don’t want to spend your life giving up your needs and personality to satisfy the needs of somebody with whom you are basically incompatible.
Trying to establish exactly what did go wrong can be difficult. You might ask yourself questions: “I felt like you got annoyed with me whenever I wanted to spend time alone, and I think it might have been because you’re too dependent on me. What can we do about that?”
(In case you didn’t realize, I should add that’s not entirely serious suggestion about how to get your ex back, but it does give you an idea of the kind of thing that you might try.)
Step 3
You need to know exactly what you are trying to do.
So if both of you have decided to restart a relationship, have you got a clear plan about how you’re going to make it work this time around?
Have you found out what each of you wants from the relationship that you weren’t getting before?
Can you tell each other what you need from each other without being accusatory, blaming, or being triggered into a state of anger, fear or sadness?
Step 4
Talk, and talk again, and then talk some more.
Whether you know it or not, women like to talk things through, while men like to think things through.
Men like to come up with solutions to problems and they don’t like lengthy emotional discussions.
But the whole point about being in a relationship with another person is that you are going to be able to meet their needs in some way, and they are going to be able to meet yours.
To sum it up: when you want to get your ex back, you will need good emotional communication, the ability to compromise, a willingness to accept difference in the other, and an ability to extend yourself into a place of behavior, thoughts, and feelings that may not be a natural one for you to inhabit.
If you read around the Internet, you’re going to find a lot of websites with a formula for knowing whether or not you “should” break up. Usually it’s a simple question: are you happy or are you unhappy?
But as you might be suspecting by now, it isn’t really as simple as that. If it were, you wouldn’t be reading this article, and you wouldn’t be wondering whether or not to break up (or maybe to try and text your ex back!)
After all, the reason anyone wants their ex back is because they feel they made a mistake in breaking up.
And that means you weren’t certain whether you wanted to be with them or not.
(Unless of course you have broken up and now you see – oh so clearly – that you really do want to be with them for the rest of your life…
If that is the case, you can try Texting Your Ex Back – see the right hand column of this page for details of how the right use of SMS messaging and cell phone contact can win your ex back.
Advice On Not Breaking Up
But the problem is that although there’s lots of advice on how to text your ex back all over the Internet, there isn’t a great deal of information available on how you can decide whether you want to break up in the first place.
To help you, I found seven questions on the Internet which look helpful, perhaps even helpful enough to save your relationship. So I’m giving them to you right now, so that you don’t have to engage in all the palaver of texting your ex back after you’ve broke broken up and found out it’s all been a terrible mistake.
First of all: why do you want your ex back?
In the early stages of a relationship, as you know, both boyfriend and girlfriend feel special because their partner seems to have no other interest but them. As the shine (it’s called idealisation) wears off, reality can set in. Neither partner is seen as a really unique and special individual any more. Instead, you both become ordinary human beings who can see each other for who you are, complete with all your failings.
So is that why you want to get back with your ex? To feel special and wanted? And if you don’t feel special, can you honestly say that your partner no longer makes any effort to try and make you feel special? Or do you expect too much?
Do you treat your partner as special? What would it take to make YOU feel really special?
Question 2
Next, are there any circumstances which could have contributed to the breakup or impending break up?
In other words, are you under stress in a way that you wouldn’t normally be, and could that stress have put more pressure on you, to the point that your relationship broke up? If you think you can find someone who can withstand stress better than your current partner or your ex-partner, then you’re might be disappointed – stress is a part of life, and none of us really know what we can cope with until it hits.
So if it’s stress that made you break up (or is making you think of breaking up), did you make any effort to try and find a way of getting over the stress and staying together?
And if you get back together will the same thing happen again?
Question 3: This is a difficult question – will you miss your ex if you separate?
I mean, how do you know this before you split? But knowing the answer is particularly important if you’re getting a lot of your confidence, safety and security from being with your partner.
And by the way, that works both ways – a woman can hold a safe space for a man, just as a man can offer a safe space for a woman. So will you miss the safety and security that your partner offers? And if you get back together again, will you feel that once more?
Question 4: Are you just taking your partner for granted?
Perhaps that’s something you need to look at right now, before you break up, so you can establish whether or not you’re the one who might be contributing to the tension in the relationship?
A very valid reason for separating from a partner is your personal growth. The sad thing is that two partners rarely grow at the same rate; so if you have an ambition, a dream, or a desire to be more than you currently are, and your partner doesn’t, then there’s a tension between you which might not be resolvable. Of course it’s important to actually put those ideas to your partner to see how he or she reacts – for all you know, they might want to join in with your plans. Such communication is the basis of intimacy.
Before you break up on the basis that your partner is a stick-in-the-mud and you aren’t, why don’t you just tell them what you want to do and see how they respond? That will be a real clue as to whether or not they’re on the same page of life as you!
Ongoing intimacy is important in relationship.
Q5: Are You Experienced in Relationship?
Some people get together with a partner without much previous experience of the world or other people.
If you’re thinking about breaking up, and your previous experience of relationships is quite limited, then it’s probably going to help you to find out more about the world by breaking up now and getting more experience of life, the universe and everything. If, of course, you don’t believe you’ve met your soul mate.
And when you’re not compatible, breaking up isn’t the end of the world, especially if you’re confident enough to know that there are plenty more fish in the sea – and that you really are good enough to attract one of them!
Remember too, relationships just go through turning points and phases – you won’t feel wonderful all the time in any relationship because that’s just not how life works. People get distracted, people have issues, people fight, people make up. The question is whether or not, at a basic deep level, you value your partner, respect them, and love them?
Oh yes, and do you like them?
Question 6 Is Life Easier Together?
An interesting question few people ever ask themselves is whether or not their partner makes their life better and easier, or worse and harder?
Making things better can be done in subtle ways, support, empowering (and the opposite is undermining and disempowering). So what’s the overall tone of your relationship. Does your partner have your best interests at heart?
Only you can answer these questions, but they form a fundamental basis for deciding whether or not you should split up in the first place. Of course, if you don’t split up, you’ll never need to be trying to Text Your Ex Back, or trying to find out how to get them back.
I found some wonderful tips on how to save a relationship on the Huffington Post site.
These were written by a relationship coach, who starts off by saying we are very quick to find our partner inadequate and even quicker about deciding to dump them.
But most of us who do this will then go on to find a new partner who has exactly the same emotional issues as the previous one, so that we are not in a better situation after the relationship has broken up and we have moved on…..
Video – How to survive a break up
Hold on – going all spiritual for a moment here….. maybe your partner has been given to you “by” the universe so that you can learn something essential for your well-being and growth – and perhaps their well-being.
If so, why not stay the course and find out what that is?
And of course this is a spiritual point of view which suggests any relationship worth keeping involves emotional work. Sure, but the payoff can be very rewarding, because you will find you have a depth of connection which is probably unimaginable at the moment.
And that is profoundly affirming and rewarding.
But What Does It Mean To Me?
Starting from the idea that you can “sort through” people until you find somebody who is absolutely ideal for you is simply naive – there is no such person.
Even when you think you’ve found your ideal soulmate, living together or being in relationship together will very quickly dispel that illusion – as you may well already know!
And trying one relationship after another, without taking any relationship advice, or indeed any breakup advice, is just going to lead you into disappointment.
While it’s tempting to believe that your particular relationship is in some way different or special, the truth of the matter is that you are not different to anyone else, and you will not have stumbled into some kind of fairytale relationship….
… which means that if you find yourself on the verge of breaking up, you might wish to decide NOT to break up. Instead, you might make the decision that your relationship is worthwhile and deserves some work.
The idea purely random chance got you into relationship with somebody is extremely unlikely! So you can start by asking yourself what drew you to this person? What kind of qualities did they have that you found desirable?
Do you still find those qualities desirable? What qualities in your partner have you not previously appreciated?
You can open a dialogue together – if you’re willing to do so – to explore what you love about your partner and what your partner loves about you.
In the process, if you’re willing to hear it, you can receive constructive criticism, suggestions and information which can help you develop in areas of personality where you are currently weak.
And of course it’s inevitable that when partners try to communicate their fundamental truths about each other, things may go wrong – for none of us have learned how to communicate in the “right way” – that is to say, with LOVE.
And what that means is to Listen by Observing your partner, by Verifying that you’ve picked up their meaning, and Empathising with what they’re saying.
Good communication is probably mostly about silence and space – not “jumping in” to respond to your partner or, worse, reacting to your partner with an emotional response without really having heard what they’re trying to say.
The reason this happens, of course, is because we feel attacked and immediately respond to that sensation or perception with defensiveness. It can be very difficult indeed to open ourselves up and make ourselves vulnerable to criticism, particularly if you have sensitivities left over from childhood.
But to make this process easier, you can stay away from emotional conversations when you’re both stressed, particularly when you’re both tired and/or emotional – such as at the end of a long workday!
By putting the value of your partner’s feelings above the value of your ego, you’ll find that communication becomes much less contentious. And while these things are easy to say, they are not always so easy to do – which means practice is essential; perhaps getting help with having stressful conversations would be helpful.
This is probably the wrong way to converse with your partner!
A deep conversation can go to the roots of understanding the relationship in its most profound way, and certainly leads to a feeling of intimacy and connection.
It may be necessary to revisit the same subject many times before you fully understand each other, before you actually get down to the core of the matter.
But without doing this, you may never understand what your partner is trying to say, and if you don’t understand that, you may never understand your partner either.
3 Some relationships become mired in heavy communication
One way to get over this is to actually do light-hearted things together – visit special places, revisit those places you knew a long time ago, or perhaps simply take time for each other with a weekend away. Then, you can revisit or “practice” the skills of romance with your partner – just as you did when you first met.
It’s well worth doing things like this together because the excitement of a shared or new experience produces hormones which promote emotional bonding. And it doesn’t have to be anything major; simply sitting together in a park watching your children play can be very bonding and intimate, and produce a deep feeling of love for each other.
Here, action is necessary – it’s no use just talking about doing these things – you actually have to do them!
4 Sometimes outside influences affect our relationships and make them toxic. Avoid them.
Your primary responsibility and loyalty in a relationship is to yourself and your partner.
Any loyalty to your friends or family which betrays that loyalty is striking at heart of the relationship. In any event, unless somebody is actually standing in your shoes, how could they possibly know the answers to your problems?
(I draw distinction here between mentoring and counseling as a friend and the much more pernicious “advice giving” and “tittle tattle” which many people seem to indulge in.)
A much better way forward is for you to open the doorways to communication with your partner, and establish an emotionally connected relationship with them.
I guess you find out how much you loved someone when they’ve gone!
5 Forgiveness is everything.
Well…. in fact forgiveness is probably not everything, but it certainly is a great deal.
That’s why we’ve heard so much about it in recent years. Some people think it means putting yourself in a “one-down” position, but the truth of the matter is that forgiveness does not mean forgetting.
No, it means letting go of the emotional rage, anger and bitterness you hold towards your partner, for these are emotions which definitely stand between you and a wholesome relationship.
And yes, there needs to be some kind of emotional resolution for you about the wounds you feel you’ve suffered at the hands of your (ex) partner. You might find this helpful if you’re interested in the subject forgiveness.
6 Don’t keep secrets.
Of course you don’t need to divulge every minute aspect of your life to your partner – all of us have certain things we need to keep to ourselves to maintain our integrity to ourselves and in our relationship. But honesty is vital in any relationship, and living a life of authenticity and integrity can help too.
7 Have clear boundaries
Merging with a loved one can be very pleasurable. But so can maintaining separate and clear boundaries.
If you don’t really know what boundaries are, then it’s worth getting some help and information from a counsellor or therapist.
Boundaries are about maturity, about being in the world in a safe way – safer for yourself, and safer for others.
You only have to walk down a street where people are drinking late at night to understand what a lack of boundaries means!
Over-rigid boundaries produce a rigid, very defensive personality, whereas loose boundaries produce somebody who is a pushover and exploitable by others.
Clear firm boundaries speak of self-respect, and establish that you know who you are and what you’re going to tolerate or accept in life. With clear boundaries, any relationship is more defined and healthier than without them, and it allows you to learn and grow by finding the place where your partner’s limits exist – and the same, of course, is true in reverse.
Stop being your partner’s appendage and become a person in your own right.
There are many other relationship tips we could give you, but in essence they all come down to one thing: tolerance and communication – and perhaps those qualities, as well as mutual respect, are the basis of true love that lasts a lifetime.
If you don’t really understand these concepts then please get some help and advice from somebody who is qualified to take you on a journey to a more loving place – counsellor, therapist, Minister…. Whatever suits your particular way of being.
What To Do If You’ve Broken Up: Should You Try and Make Up?
If you’re in the unfortunate situation of having broken up, read on to see our therapist’s advice on what you can do to get your ex back or decide to stay apart.
First of all, you have to remain rational.
How do you feel when you get a text or an email, or you see a Facebook message, or some other indication of your ex occupying space in your social environment? Do you feel a sinking sense of fear, or some excitement, perhaps?
Or do you simply feel anger? Perhaps you feel excitement and glee, because this seems like it could be the start of a new renewal of your relationship?
Whatever, the first thing you have to do in the face of all these emotions is to remain rational and calm. And you have to take things slowly. Perhaps it was plunging too quickly into the relationship in the first place which did the damage for you last time around!
But whether it was or it wasn’t, one of the things you really need to know is that all the unresolved problems in your relationship will come back at you again – unless both of you have done some serious emotional growth work in between breaking up and getting back together.
So here are some questions that really need to be answered “yes” before you get back together.
And they need to be answered in the affirmative by BOTH of you…. But then, you knew that didn’t you?
1 Plan ahead so that when things get difficult you have some way of dealing with them.
You see, the problem is that unless you make some effort to focus on the areas which act as emotional triggers, simply wanting to be back with your partner (maybe because you feel lonely) isn’t going to change anything.
In fact, if you feel disappointed that they’re no different this time around than they were the last time, getting back together can be even worse than it was the first time. You will have more disappointment to deal with….
If you’re getting over a breakup, to go back into the same territory can be challenging.
That’s why you really need to have some strategy to deal with, if not eliminate, the anger, the shock, and the sadness – not to mention the fear – you’ll feel if or when you realize your ex hasn’t fundamentally changed from who they were!
Will it be the same again, with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, second time around? No. Why should you put up with that, if it can be much better with someone new?
And to be honest, if you try to save your marriage, or save your relationship, you might well have to do some personal growth work – that could mean seeing a therapist together, or perhaps doing shadow work, but it certainly means exploring the issues which caused you to split up in the first place.
Ask yourself honestly – are you ready to do that? Are you ready to do whatever it takes to bring your ex back and to live happily ever after?
2 As you know, a lot of us wear masks which hide the real self we feel and believe ourselves to be, deep down inside.
Sometimes we think we’re socially unacceptable in some way or we feel we’re not good enough, or we aren’t lovable, or perhaps even that we’re bad. Most people believe they aren’t as beautiful, intelligent, clever, self-confident, or whatever, as the next person. It’s the human condition…..
Do you show all of yourself to your partner?
But wearing a “mask” into any relationship (where the essence of success is openness and honesty) is a recipe for disaster.
That’s not to say we should reveal every aspect of ourselves, but it’s certainly necessary to be open and honest with your partner to show them who you really are, and for them to show you who they really are. In other words, what this amounts to is no trickery, no lies, no deceit, and no games. Otherwise, what chance of success do you have?
Now, are you willing to be ruthlessly authentic and honest with your partner?
3 Are you committed to each other? Are you committed to each other enough to stick together so that you can win her back or win him back?
There has to be some kind of commitment that you’re going to stay together for a while (or permanently) while you work on the changes that are necessary for you to rebuild a harmonious and loving relationship.
You need some kind of contract or agreement which is actually a statement of your readiness to stay in the relationship and hold hands, both physically and metaphorically, when the inevitable issues between you arise, and particularly when you trigger each other into a vulnerable state.
4 Are you both prepared to take it slowly, and to really work at rebuilding the relationship?
It’s probably worth you doing this if you really love your partner or somewhere deep down you believe this person might be your soul mate. Then of course it’s worth rebuilding the relationship and finding out how to get the relationship advice that will bring you back together.
But there are traps here: if it was just sex that kept you together in the first place, you may find that the desire to jump into bed to reconnect is very strong, but really, is that going to deal with the issues which broke you apart in the first place?
Going on dates while you learn more about each other, hoping to see each other with eyes that are not blinded by “the scales of infatuation” is a very worthwhile exercise. After all, you might want to be friends before you become lovers, and you might want to be lovers before you try for the soulmate status!
A good question to ask yourself is how safe it feels to reveal yourself with your ex partner – if you find you’re hiding parts of yourself, or not completely trusting them, then your choice is simple – allow the breakup to go ahead and find a new partner, or get a commitment to work on the difficulties between you that cause you to feel this way.
5 Do you have the same goals for the relationship?
Video – goals in a relationship
The question here, really, is whether or not you both want the same thing in the long run. For example, does one of you want to get married and one of you has no intention of doing that EVER!
Or suppose he wants children, and you don’t. These are fundamental differences which really need to be examined. Not many people who are way apart on important issues like these can establish a successful long-term relationship without one of them either losing their hopes and aspirations or having their heart broken.
You need to be at least on the same page, have the same expectations, and generally speaking want to move in the same direction in life.
The problem is that most people spend more time planning their annual vacation than they spend planning their lives! So sit down and talk about what you want!
If you want to avoid a breakup in the future, and if you want to get your ex back so you don’t breakup again, first you must find out whether there’s enough common ground between the two of you for your relationship to work long-term.
6 Accept that human relationships are never perfect.
It’s extraordinary to me that some people really seem to think that just by getting back together with their ex, they will mysteriously learn the lessons they needed to know in the first place to feel close and connected with their partner.
In fact the truth of the matter is that we all come from an emotionally wounded place in childhood – which means that during our childhood nothing was perfect and there were emotional wounds inflicted on us, no matter how well-intentioned our parents may have been! And these wounds need to be dealt with for us to grow into emotional maturity and equip us to be in relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a lover, or a spouse.
From years of working with people in relationship, I know there are very few men and women who are truly prepared to do the emotional exploration and repair work necessary to overcome their wounds and in the process find out how they can get their ex back.
The good news is that this doesn’t have to be big scale work. It only needs to be something which explores mutual understanding and empathy, the kind of work from you which can move forward together. This could, for example, simply be something like going to see a relationship counselor together to discuss what it is that “triggers” you and causes the fights.
Unless you do this you might find you’re not going to get over your breakup and you’re not going to get back with your ex.
Understanding each other is essential for a good relationship.
And that’s true even if you know you made a mistake in breaking up.
Everybody has a level of tolerance for fights, disagreements and arguments, and it’s better to do some emotional work so they are reduced in number and the impact of them is much less, rather than to let them fester in the relationship simply because you don’t know what to do about them.
7 Accept that relationship breakup may be the right thing for you.
Just because you feel a large amount of pain at the ending of your relationship and the loss of your loved one doesn’t necessarily mean you were wrong to breakup.
There’s a theory in psychology that we come together to heal the wounds, resentments and issues of the past (i.e. childhood) , and if we don’t heal them in one relationship we will move into another relationship, taking the same stuff with this. Often the person we meet will also give us the opportunity to heal these emotional wounds.
So you may as well do it in your current relationship as in the next one!
And doing so can give you a true sense of value and worth, and perhaps also a sense of mutual appreciation which will grow into true love.
But if that’s not going to happen, you may have to accept that sometimes a breakup is the only thing that’s going to allow you to move forward and truly show who you are to the world.
In fact, sometimes a breakup is not an opportunity to get your ex partner back, but a chance to have a NEW relationship which will really make you feel good – perhaps even the relationship your heart desires.
So the act of breaking up can allow some people to grow as individuals, perhaps discovering how to be assertive and confident, so they can move forward into a much better relationship.
And whatever you do, you should aim to find a way of making sure that love comes out victorious over fear.
Find out how to get your ex back quickly – and never break up again!
