One of the big issues that people write to me about all the time is how to get over a breakup.
Specifically, how to improve how they feel, or how to make themselves feel better when their ex-boyfriend is gallivanting around with other women.
The whole objective of this website is to give you some strategies and ideas about how you can successfully re-establish a relationship with your ex-partner, so hopefully you’ll find that very useful.
Taking care of yourself
But the object of this particular article is to consider how you can take care of yourself after a breakup, whether you’re looking to get back together with your ex-boyfriend or not.
To start with, if you aren’t gentle with yourself after you’ve broken up, who is going to be?
What this means is not being self-critical or self judgmental, cutting out negative self talk, and especially finding positive things with which you can affirm your desirability, your beauty, and your self-esteem.
The first and most obvious way to do this is stop dwelling on your failures, and to stop thinking about what you could have done differently.
The simple truth is that you obviously couldn’t have done anything differently, because had you been able to do so, you would have done.
We’re all tempted to think about the things we could have done when something’s gone wrong (like a relationship ending), rather than looking forward positively to the future.
So if you’re finding it difficult to look forward positively, try saying some affirmations into a mirror every day.
If you look at yourself long enough, you’ll see your beauty shining through, and at that point you can use affirmations suited to your particular circumstances:
- Everything I need comes to me easily and effortlessly
- I attract fulfilling and happy and worthwhile friendships
- I have a job which I really enjoy, and abundant prosperity because of it
- I experience lots of pleasure, happiness and fun in my life
- I am my own person and I know how to live and what I want and the universe delivers it all to me
- I accept and love myself deeply and completely exactly the way I am
So you can imagine, I’m sure, how to find affirmations that will suit your particular circumstances.
Believe me, affirmations are a powerful way of changing your self-image.
General advice on relationships, breaking up and making up, can be found here.
Another thing you might find after breaking up is that you’re tempted to start binge eating, or eating things that aren’t good for you, or perhaps even drinking too much.
You might have difficulty sleeping, and turn to food for comfort, or you might have no desire to eat at all. You might crave unhealthy food after a breakup, and you might feel tempted to eat the kind of things that superficially make you feel better (chocolate, chips) but in fact do you harm in the longer term and don’t really satisfy you anyway. This is all about soothing the pain of separation.
Try to maintain a healthy diet, with all the foods which you know are good for you. And of course one of the great advantages when you’re able to do this, is that you’re soothing your wounded and unhappy inner child.
She’ll be feeling lonely and isolated, so an occasional treat, which won’t pile on the pounds is quite acceptable!
If you can take exercise you’ll be in a much better space than you will be if you slob around in front of the TV mindlessly watching boring programs and trying to feel better, while actually feeling sorry for yourself.
Go out to the gym or go running, perhaps even take up something like yoga! This will really help you feel better. You’re out of the house, you’re doing something interesting, mixing with people, and getting some exercise – all of which which can release endorphins and another feel-good chemicals in the brain.
Besides which, taking up a new sport or indeed any new activity, and then losing yourself in it by deeply engaging with it, can be a great way of distracting yourself from the emotional pain of the break up; it can also increase your confidence.
This is a great time for personal reflection, i.e. thinking on a personal level about where you’re going in life and what you really want.
If your major goal is to get your ex back, then fine – but plenty of people need something that gives them a sense of purpose after a break up.
Being in a relationship with another person can easily make you lose sight of your goals and objectives, so after a breakup, you might wish to consider what you actually want from life, and make sure that you find a way of getting it.
If you really want to change your image, have a complete makeover – but don’t do this alone! Have a friend come along with you so that you can share the fun and experience something positive for yourself.
Obviously caring for yourself with treats like a massage, facials, and pedicures can be a great way of feeling better about yourself. Much better than eating endless amounts of chocolate or ice cream, anyway.
While these ideas sound like simple things (which they probably are) the reason we mention them here is because this is the kind of relationship advice which people offer after a breakup!
It’s all about nurturing yourself and giving yourself some pleasurable experiences to boost your self-esteem, help you feel better, and (whether or not you get back together with your ex), help you make a new start in life.
Change Your Psychology
More importantly than anything else, perhaps, is the changes you can bring about in your internal world – increasing your self-confidence and your self-esteem, getting some therapy or counseling, and focusing on the positives not the negatives after a break up.
That way, your self-esteem and overall outlook become more positive. Practicing gratitude and joy so that you focus on the positive rather than negative is also very helpful.
You might also take some action to deal with anything that’s holding you back in life; for example, things you accumulated during your relationship and which serve as a reminder of it.
Take A Time Out
You might want to have a timeout; a period of no-contact with your ex, so you don’t see them at all for a while. You might especially want to do that if your relationship ended badly!
But even if you’re thinking of getting your ex boyfriend back, you might want to take some time and space.
Above all, the important thing is to get out and have fun. Losing a relationship is like losing anything – you have to go through several stages of grief.
First there’s denial. Then there’s anger, followed by bargaining, depression and ultimately acceptance.
Going through this can be a growth experience. You can discover that losing your ex boyfriend isn’t a sign your life is over and you’ll be single forever. You can accept that you may not get him back, no matter what you would like to happen.
During the acceptance period, you may find it easiest to get out into the world and mingle with other people, but the point where you probably need to do that most is during the first stages of grief after your breakup.
And of course when you seek out a new relationship, be that with your ex boyfriend or with a new partner, remember there are some things you really can control!
For example, you don’t have to settle for the first man who comes along. If you’re trying to get back together with your ex boyfriend, you don’t have to settle for the same man you had when you broke up.
You may want more than your ex had to offer – I mean, you certainly broke up for a reason! If he hasn’t changed, maybe it’s important that any positive benefits you can get from this breakup do fully emerge into reality for you.