Relationship Advice
If you’re looking to get your ex boyfriend back, read on!
Part 1 of this article on getting your man back is here.
We’ve put together a great little guide about some of the things you can do to persuade your ex-boyfriend to get back together with you in a happy relationship.
To start with, remember that it doesn’t matter who broke up with who, or why you broke up. All that matters is this: you’re looking for ways to get your ex boyfriend back because you know he really is the man for you.
But….. why is he now your “ex boyfriend”?
There must have been some powerful reasons why you broke up, and unless you do something about them, the second time around might just end the same way!
Here’s what you have to think about.
Do you know whether or not your ex wants to get back together with you? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Either way, you can raise your chances of getting back together into relationship with him.
But first, you need to really think about these questions:
- Why did you breakup?
- What went wrong with the relationship?
- Do you know how he feels about you?
- Are you absolutely sure that he’s the right guy for you?
- Were you fully committed to the relationship?
- Deep down, do you have any lurking suspicions that he might not really be the right man for you?
These are important questions, and you need to answer them as objectively as you can.
As you answer them, don’t be critical of your ex-boyfriend just because you’re not in a relationship with him any more. Instead, take an objective view of his strengths and weaknesses.
And don’t be critical of yourself, either. The emotional BS in your relationship and the disagreements you had are probably a major part of why you broke up. It’s important to understand why they happened without blaming your ex boyfriend or yourself.
If you’re honest, and you spend some time thinking about those questions, you’re very likely to come up with some powerful insights about the relationship.
And if you have any doubts, then discovering how to get your ex boyfriend back is probably not a good idea.
On the other hand, if the reasons you guys fell for each other in the first place are still valid, and they still make you feel connected and fond of your ex boyfriend, then you stand a good chance of getting back together with him successfully. (And maybe getting back together fast.)
Another important question you might want to think about is when feelings of intimacy and connection began to disappear, and what happened to make them fade away. Did you get lazy about your relationship, perhaps?
Like I said, the reason for taking these questions seriously is because they help you work out whether or not you really want to get your ex boyfriend back.
They will also reveal, deep down inside, when you know it ain’t gonna work, no matter what you do.
You have to want him back because you believe it will make your life better, not just because you’re feeling lonely and miserable.
In other words if you don’t have a complete total belief that this is the right relationship for you, then why bother getting him back? There are plenty more fish in the sea.
So, assuming that you’ve decided this really is the relationship for you, are you ever going to find out how you can get your ex-boyfriend back?
1 Improve Beyond Recognition
You might think you’re attractive and friendly and nice to be around – but presumably if your ex felt that way, he’d still be in a relationship with you?
There was a reason you broke up, and if this was something to do with your feelings, thoughts and behaviors, then you need to change. To put it bluntly, you need to be way, way more desirable than he remembers.
And that means nicer emotionally, as well as more attractive, better dressed, better groomed, and dare I say it, better in bed (of which more later).
The idea is that when he sees you, he realizes how amazing you are. Far better than when you were together in the relationship, in fact!
Whether or not you think this is shallow, you have to understand that for many men the initial pull to be in a relationship is physical attraction, no matter how much they like a girl.
Of course we’re not denying that men want a girl they can talk to, live with and feel comfortable with – sure they do. But looks are important too. So the better you look, the greater your chances of being able to get your ex-boyfriend back.
And of course that’s only a first step.
2 Forgive Him
You’ve probably read a great deal about forgiveness and how important it is in any relationship. Unfortunately, perhaps, everything you’ve read about the importance of forgiveness is absolutely true!
For as long as you hold resentment or anger towards your ex-boyfriend because of what happened in your relationship, you are destroying your chances of getting back together and having a good, intimate, loving relationship.
If you can discuss whatever went on between you, and deal with it in an adult, emotionally mature, way then you will have a strong foundation for a good relationship.
It’s too simple and blunt to say, as some relationship advice columnists do: “Whatever he did wrong – just get over it.”
How can you “just get over it”? After all, you’re feeling pain, or anger, or sadness, or maybe even fear, about some of the things that happened between you.
But unless your ex boyfriend deliberately set out to cause you pain, which is very unlikely, then it will be helpful to recognize he’s only human, and he makes mistakes.
(Of course if you believe that he deliberately set out to wound you in any way, emotionally, verbally or physically, then dump him now, once and for all.)
The problem is that it’s not so easy to forgive someone – especially an ex boyfriend – for what they’ve done to you when you’re still feeling the pain of it all.
So maybe you need to let go of your anger, sadness or fear, to make a clean break and a fresh start?
If you don’t have a technique for doing that, then get some help from a counselor or therapist, or talk to a good friend whom you trust, someone who might be able to give you an objective insight into what’s going on for you.
Because once you’ve let go of the past and the emotions associated with it, you open up a whole new field of possibility.
And speaking of possibility, do remember that you have to forgive yourself if you’ve made mistakes.
You might be blaming yourself right now for the things you did which you believe destroyed the relationship and drove him away.
And while you could spend your time and energy regretting and agonizing over it all, you’d be better of if you redirected that energy into growing emotionally.
That way, you will become a better and bigger person, a more attractive person. Again, counseling or therapy might help, as would talking to friends, or joining an organization which supports women in their efforts to become the best they can be.
Remember that every day is a great opportunity to have a great relationship with a great guy – whether that’s your ex-boyfriend or somebody new.
But to have a great relationship you need to be in a happy and emotionally mature place, where you’ve let go of the resentments of the past.
3 Don’t Hook Up With A Guy Just To Feel Better
Sure, you might feel miserable and lonely and want male companionship, but if you’re really serious about finding ways to make your ex-boyfriend come back to you, then why hook up with some random dude for an evening just to feel better?
Worse still, why hook up with some random dude just to have sex?
You probably won’t feel great about yourself afterwards – although if it helps, then go for it!
And if you’re doing it just to get one over on your ex boyfriend, or to get back at him, forget it. You’d really be doing it for the wrong reasons, and that mindset shows you still have some work to do on yourself.
You see, if you think that getting revenge on your ex by posting pictures of you drunk, or being sexual with another guy, is going to help, you need a reality check. And you certainly need to do some work on yourself.
And by the way, if you think he’s going to respond to that kind of blackmail, then he really isn’t the kind of guy you need to have as your boyfriend anyway!
Remember that if you do something to hurt “your” guy, that’s probably exactly what will happen – he will feel hurt. And if he feels hurt he’s not going to want to get back together with you, that’s for sure.
If you feel like you want to punish him, or make him see your side of things, the best prescription for you might be to have some time and space away from him. This will allow you to heal after breaking up with your man.
However, if you do see him, and you feel ready to rebuild the relationship, then you can hint that you might like to get back together with him.
And if or when you start feeling negative, blaming or attacking him, then take it as a sign that you really do need to step back and give yourself some time and space to work out exactly what you want.
4 Change Who You Are
You may find it hard to accept, but you must take responsibility for changing yourself.
If you’re serious about your ex, and you really do want him back in your life in a loving relationship, then you both may have to change.
We all know that this isn’t necessarily easy, but just think about it – if you go into your relationship from the same level of emotional development you did before, what’s gonna happen?
The answer, in case it isn’t obvious to you, is that you’ll have the same outcome. A break up. Your ex boyfriend will stay your ex boyfriend.
So, the question is “What did you do in the relationship that he didn’t like?”
Be careful here. Guys have their issues too, and he might not like being told what to do, or have you asserting yourself or setting boundaries, even though you have a perfect right to do those things if you want to. Those are the kind of things you’re expected to do in life, and they’re not what we’re talking about here.
What we’re really looking for here are the things you can identify in yourself as learning edges or growing edges.
For example, did you nag him, were you disrespectful to him, were you needy and clingy, were you cranky, demanding, unfaithful, or bad in bed? You, better than anyone, know the answers to these questions!
Bottom line: you need to fix whatever you identify in yourself as a serious fault, the cause of your relationship break up.
And because time moves on and your ex may fall for another woman as his memories of you gradually fade, you need to get on the case pretty fast.
We all know that deep-seated issues won’t go away with one or two pieces of counseling or therapy or support. But the point is this – your ex needs to see that you’re making progress in your emotional development, and that you’re really committed to becoming a better and different person than the one he broke up with.
And once your ex-boyfriend sees how different you are, he will probably wish you’d never broken up, and he may be much more ready to give the whole relationship another chance.
Having said that, you don’t want to be doing this work – finding out how to get your ex boyfriend back – just to please your boyfriend – you want to be doing it because it’s going to be good for you.
Essentially, the same thing is true if it’s your marriage you’re trying to save. In either case, some personal growth work can move you into a place where you’re a much more attractive partner. (Here is one such possibility.)
Having said that, it could be that as you grow and develop emotionally, and as you get rid of your old emotional baggage, you suddenly start seeing your ex boyfriend in a new and less than adequate light.
People do outgrow each other, and when they do, relationships are often put under strain because the couple want different things as they go through different stages of emotional development.
You just have to take this chance, because the one thing that’s absolutely certain is that staying the same will not fix anything, and it won’t get him back.
5 How to Get In Touch With Your Ex Boyfriend
Suppose you’ve given each other some time and space apart, you’ve worked on giving up your anger and negative emotions from the past, and now it’s time to take the big step of seeing your ex-boyfriend once again.
You intention is to get him back for your happiness’ sake.
Only you know when it’s right to get back together with an ex-boyfriend. It could be two weeks after you broke up, or it could be as long as a year; maybe even years later.
But one thing’s for sure: you need to meet him face to face.
Many things can happen at the first meeting with your ex after a breakup; one which you need to think about in advance is the possibility of sex rearing its head unexpectedly onto the agenda.
Generally speaking, if you make it clear that you’re willing to go to bed with an ex-boyfriend he’s probably going to take you up on it. This is a bad idea.
To be honest, you need to make him want you. You need to make him work for you. That helps him feel committed to you.
You want to make him see how much fun he would have if you were in every area of his life, including the bedroom.
Even if you were together for a long time, make him work harder for you – don’t just give yourself to him straight away!
In fact, when a woman looks good and is sexually provocative, a man can be powerfully motivated to “win her” and “chase her”. So one approach is to to make him want you, very much.
You can use this as a way of conveying to him how much you’ve improved, how much you’ve changed, how sexy you are, how fabulous you are, and don’t you just know it!
But don’t overdo it, don’t lie, and don’t tease him – none of these things is going to endear you to him, particularly if he’s feeling resentful about the breakup.
Basically, you need to be honest and straightforward, showing yourself as the person you’ve become, rather than person you were when the relationship broke up.
If you do decide to have sex with your ex, either on the first meeting or later, then make sure that it’s mind blowing.
Men are motivated by an attractive woman who’s good in bed. We all know that. But what you might might not know is that when a man has good sex, he opens up to his loving feelings. So this can work well for you.
But in the end it is just a bribe which you’re throwing out there, maybe desperately, in the hope that he’s going to come back to you. Probably not the right strategy.
Whatever you do, do it with confidence and self-assurance. Anything which lowers your self-esteem or makes you feel cheap – forget it. Don’t do it again.
Having A Conversation With Your Boyfriend
So what do you talk about with your ex? The guy with whom you’ve been in a relationship, known intimately, both emotionally and sexually, broken up with, and now the guy with whom you hope to get back together?
Well. In the situation we talking about here – getting back together with your ex boyfriend – you’re definitely not going to talk about the could haves, should haves, and the blame for the break up.
If you start off down that track, you’ll only get into the same dynamic you were in before: and look where that got you!
But if you feel the love, convey it with your eyes rather than your body. Giving him access to your body in a sexual way comes later, maybe when he’s giving signs he’s serious about wanting to get back together.
6 Enjoy The Sex
Although it’s a cliche, men love a beautiful woman who can make love skilfully, and give them the ride of their life.
So when you go to bed with a man, he’s going to compare you, one way or another, to every other woman he’s been in bed with. This is something men do!
There’s nothing right or wrong about it, because as a woman you probably have something similar going on.
But, the point is this: if he’s going to do that, you need to shape the outcome. He needs to put you at the top of the list!
After all, by now you are the one who’s better than every other woman he’s ever known….. how you look, how you dress, how you hold him, how you touch him and pleasure him…. your job is now showing him you’re the best lover he could ever have.
And if you do that, he’s not likely to look anywhere else.
Why would he? The moment he reaches orgasm with you is the moment when he may finally understand that you’re the woman he should be with.
To put it bluntly, you’re aiming to conquer his heart by satisfying his sexual urges and showing him the best time he’s ever had in bed.
Therefore, if you’ve never really paid much attention to sex, now’s the time to learn some new sexual techniques, and to throw your whole feminine energy at your ex-boyfriend, both emotionally and physically.
But what if the sex was always good? What if this isn’t going to make him come back, because he’s just getting the same pleasure he had before?
In this case you’ll have to work harder and look deeper to find areas of the relationship where you can actually give pleasure to your ex-boyfriend by being smarter, funnier, wiser, more mature, or a better companion. That’s how to get your ex back!
7 Don’t Be Complacent
You may feel things are going really well with your strategic plan for restoring your relationship.
You may think you know how to get your ex boyfriend back. You may already believe you are going to get him back. He may already be back with you.
But the only question which matters is – have you saved your relationship?
When people get back together, they may rapidly revert to the behaviors we’re all so familiar with in relationships. (Criticism, judgement, blame and so on.)
This happens when you haven’t made any fundamental changes to your attitudes, and so you fall back into the same old, same old patterns.
This can happen surprisingly quickly – which is a shame, because it’s in this early stage of the relationship where your guy is most likely to run, having decided that getting back together with you was a terrible mistake!
If you don’t treat him in the right way, with respect, as a separate being, entitled to his own opinions, ideas, behaviors and expectations about the world, he may well walk away from you.
(And if he treats you with disrespect, then you ought to walk away from him.)
In the end, having a successful relationship, with or without a ring on your finger, is all about seeing your partner as a separate person to yourself. Seeing him as someone worthy of respect, who you treat decently and to whom you show your loving heart.
At the same time, you also know he is separate from you and his his own rights and responsibilities and you accept he is not there simply to pleasure you.
If you behave like this, and if you expect the same in return from your ex-boyfriend, you may well be able to get back together with your ex-boyfriend and enjoy a good – maybe even a great – relationship.