How To Tell If You Should Breakup or Not

If you read around the Internet, you’re going to find a lot of websites with a formula for knowing whether or not you “should” break up. Usually it’s a simple question: are you happy or are you unhappy?

But as you might be suspecting by now, it isn’t really as simple as that. If it were, you wouldn’t be reading this article, and you wouldn’t be wondering whether or not to break up (or maybe to try and text your ex back!)

After all, the reason anyone wants their ex back is because they feel they made a mistake in breaking up.

And that means you weren’t certain whether you wanted to be with them or not. (Unless of course you have broken up and doing so has given you clarity and now you see – oh so clearly – that you really do want to be with them for the rest of your life… an idea which I find somewhat unlikely. If you know that now, you’d probably have known it before you broke up as well. But if that is the case, you can try Texting Your Ex Back – see the right hand column of this page for details of hwo the right approach to conenction via SMS messaging and cell phone contact can win your ex back.)

Advice On Not Breaking Up

But the problem is that although there’s lots of advice on how to text your ex back all over the Internet, there isn’t a great deal of information available on how you can decide whether you want to break up in the first place.

To help you, I found seven questions on the Internet which look helpful, perhaps even helpful enough to save your relationship. So I’m giving them to you right now, so that you don’t have to engage in all the palaver of texting your ex back after you’ve broke broken up and found out it’s all been a terrible mistake.

First of all: why do you want your ex back?

In the early stages of a relationship, as you know, both boyfriend and girlfriend feel special because their partner seems to have no other interest but them. As the shine (it’s called idealisation) wears off, reality can set in. Neither partner is seen as a really unique and special individual any more. Instead, you both become ordinary human beings who can see each other for who you are, complete with all your failings.

But of course each of us wants to be really special: we want to be part of a couple where nobody else matters.

So is that why you want to get back with your ex? To feel special and wanted? And if you don’t feel special, can you honestly say that your partner no longer makes any effort to try and make you feel special? Or do you expect too much?

how to get back after a break up - text your ex back
Do you treat your partner as special? What would it take to make YOU feel really special?

Question 2

Next, are there any circumstances which could have contributed to the breakup or impending break up?

In other words, are you under stress in a way that you wouldn’t normally be, and could that stress have put more pressure on you, to the point that your relationship broke up? If you think you can find someone who can withstand stress better than your current partner or your ex-partner, then you’re might be disappointed – stress is a part of life, and none of us really know what we can cope with until it hits.

So if it’s stress that made you break up (or is making you think of breaking up), did you make any effort to try and find a way of getting over the stress and staying together?

And if you get back together will the same thing happen again?

Question 3: This is a difficult question – will you miss your ex if you separate?

I mean, how do you know this before you split? But knowing the answer is particularly important if you’re getting a lot of your confidence, safety and security from being with your partner.

And by the way, that works both ways – a woman can hold a safe space for a man, just as a man can offer a safe space for a woman. So will you miss the safety and security that your partner offers? And if you get back together again, will you feel that once more?

Question 4:  Are you just taking your partner for granted?

Perhaps that’s something you need to look at right now, before you break up, so you can establish whether or not you’re the one who might be contributing to the tension in the relationship?

A very valid reason for separating from a partner is your personal growth. The sad thing is that two partners rarely grow at the same rate; so if you have an ambition, a dream, or a desire to be more than you currently are, and your partner doesn’t, then there’s a tension between you which might not be resolvable. Of course it’s important to actually put those ideas to your partner to see how he or she reacts – for all you know, they might want to join in with your plans. Such communication is the basis of intimacy.

Before you break up on the basis that your partner is a stick-in-the-mud and you aren’t, why don’t you just tell them what you want to do and see how they respond? That will be a real clue as to whether or not they’re on the same page of life as you!

Intimacy and break up
Ongoing intimacy is important in relationship.

Q5: Are You Experienced in Relationship?

Some people get together with a  partner without much previous experience of the world or other people.

If you’re thinking about breaking up, and your previous experience of relationships is quite limited, then it’s probably going to help you to find out more about the world by breaking up now and getting more experience of life, the universe and everything. If, of course, you don’t believe you’ve met your soul mate.

You see, deep compatibility in terms of core-values is fundamentally important to a relationships long-term chance of success.

And when you’re not compatible, breaking up isn’t the end of the world, especially if you’re confident enough to know that there are plenty more fish in the sea – and that you really are good enough to attract one of them!

Remember too, relationships just go through turning points and phases – you won’t feel wonderful all the time in any relationship because that’s just not how life works. People get distracted, people have issues, people fight, people make up. The question is whether or not, at a basic deep level, you value your partner, respect them, and love them?

Oh yes, and do you like them?

Question 6 Is Life Easier Together?

An interesting question few people ever ask themselves is whether or not their partner makes their life better and easier, or worse and harder?

Making things better can be done in subtle ways, support, empowering (and the opposite is undermining and disempowering). So what’s the overall tone of your relationship. Does your partner have your best interests at heart?

Only you can answer these questions, but they form a fundamental basis for deciding whether or not you should split up in the first place. Of course, if you don’t split up, you’ll never need to be trying to Text Your Ex Back, or trying to find out how to get them back.